Even Today

Some days are better than others. I guess that’s part of the human experience.

Today, I don’t feel like I have anything to say. At least nothing of any value.

Yet, even today I want to fulfill my commitment. 20 minutes, like it or not, valuable or not.

I suppose the reality of days when you just don’t feel like it is valid to chronicle.

I’ve often thought of days like this as part of my exhalation. On the inhalation I am enamored of every aspect of life, full of ideas and appreciation. On the exhalation, I am confused and tired and have a more difficult time harnessing my attitude. Both experiences have rising and falling tides.

I’ve always wanted to have just the good days. Indeed, I think the intent of my spiritual practice for the first 40 years of my life had to do with (if you consider the yin/yang symbol) just wiping over all the dark spots with white spots so that I could be exclusively a being of light. It sounded like such a nice idea. Frankly, it still doesn’t sound bad.

But the reality of my life is that there is┬áboth lightness and darkness. Good days and more challenging days. Times I feel so good about the way I behaved and times I make myself cringe. Times I am disciplined and careful in what I ingest and times I eat like a second grader. It’s all there and I am learning to encounter it without so much judgment.

Coming to accept the dark spots has been very, very good for me. Bearing through them feels less like failure and more like an exercise in patience. I do still spend a decent amount of time with spiritual reading or writing about things I appreciate to try to change my experience of the day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. And that’s OK.

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