how much of this have i already said?

Having broader mobility for a few weeks has made me mourn every loss as the steroid loses grip. It’s ghastly to be so dependent. Tucker makes it easier, so much easier, because he is so enormously helpful and never complains. It’s astounding. But, Good Lord, the poor man deserves a break. I can’t begin to tell you how many times he just sat down when i need <insert any variety of important and/or ridiculous things>. He is the best person in the world. I would like for him to have more time developing his many worlds and stories instead of nursemaiding me.

You know what that’s done for me, though? And it’s incredibly humbling. He makes me feel loved even when i am nothing but a bother. This is a girl used to singing and dancing for attention, telling jokes, solving riddles and literally going door-to-door. Not anymore. I don’t have to achieve anything, or even be contributing anything but my presence.  And what’s more, he’s shown me the value of my presence (so I don’t even feel quite so much like a burden, though, make no mistake: i am one).

Last night, as new areas began to make themselves felt within my body, and the sounding call seems to be asking for some western intervention, I opened a MAP coning as I often do, and I began it, as I normally do, asking to please tune this instrument to most clearly embody and express the love of Divine Mother. To bring vitality and balance to the body and to address <current issues>. The guidance from the MAP sessions is to get the Enbrel, and so that’s why I’m even open to it (and yet, still resistant – for fear of side effects… you see, right now my joints hurt, but when i am still, i really feel quite good. i can read, i can (still) write, i can meditate, i can do a video call, my children can come in and chat. With these drugs, my joints may improve, but there are long lists of side effects – and it’s not just the big ones that scare me… a lot of it is headaches and nausea and generally feeling crummy. I can’t do my favorite things when i feel crummy). Anyhow, the insight I got during the session is that the course my body has taken me through has been difficult but also very beneficial. Feeling that I need to perform to deserve love used to be primary – i don’t feel that anymore. All of the spiritual concepts I’ve relished in started to distill into experience through stillness, and that is just the bomb. I may have to be still, but while I am still, very often I can experience my own wholeness and connectedness to the world and all the resulting contentment and delight, curiosity and patience. That is some high level blessing, brought to me by: pain.

And that is the question: shouldn’t this high-level blessing be available to me without pain? Of course. Would I have been able to receive it? Well – let’s remember that high level blessing is the reality in which we all live, move and have our being. Often, because it is so available, it goes unnoticed.

Which brings up the question of authorship (or at least that’s what I want to explore next)

I have envisioned scenarios I would like to live and then tried to bend the world to my will countless times on this adventure. And while some things have completely eluded me (health?) some just clicked merrily along and manifested brightly. But you know what? Those things were never quite as satisfying as I envisioned them. There was some satisfaction, yes, but it was temporary and, in fact, not entire. I can’t tell you how many people have told me, “I’ve got the car and the boat and the house that were supposed to make me happy and now I don’t know what to get, because that stuff is nice, but it didn’t work: it didn’t make me happy.”

So I’m not so sure we’re the best authors of our own destiny.

I want for me what Divine Mother wants for me, what Life Itself wants for me. I want to play my unique role in the dance of Life On Earth. I want to hear the communication of all of life in me, not just me imposing my vision. I want the I/Thou relationship not the I/It. I am sick to shit of my personal agenda (which is often misguided and always under informed). This is the dynamic of surrender (you can check my FB page, I’ve been working at surrender for about 5 years), and it brings me enormous comfort. It tells me that where I am, pain, pleasure (which happens, too 🙂 and all the other states in between, is unfolding in relationship with the flow of life that is happening through every iota of matter in this universe and especially on this planet. I know this sounds crazy, but honestly, if pain is what is required for me to access this state, then i can be at peace with pain. And i know pain isn’t required. But since I’m in it, it must be right now, by evidence of it being the state i’m experiencing. And i feel the persistence of the state must serve some purpose which is beyond me to ponder (although, the truth i wrote about recently – that had i not been slowed down, i would have been relentless trying to break Jacob’s natural pace which would’ve made our relationship riddled with strife – and I am so happy to be able to enjoy my son as he is) – but not beyond Life Itself to work through, and that’s really what I want. Yes, I want to feel better. Yes! I would love to have a normal body! And I believe it’s possible for me. Completely. i really do believe that. i’ve just determined after 10 years of trying and doing ok but never achieving remission and now actively getting worse, I am not going to figure out how to get better. My mind/scheming and plans are not what is going to get me well. Grace is the conduit of my wellness. She has gifted me generously in so many ways, and I know as I open to and participate in the divine flow of grace, I invite the loving vitality of life itself to move through me and my cells and all my relations.

Now, one thing I learned laying in bed for several weeks, is that what makes me happiest really is reading and discussing evolutionary, ecological, integrative, unity-based ideas. And I think my gift lies in weaving the many genius teachers active in the world today and sharing them with my particular spin and insight. Always body-based, earth-based, being-based – pointing us into ourselves and into nature. So, even reduced to not being able to pull up my own covers, I am still capable of doing my favorite things. So, it’s time to do them. Today I am going to try to put together the first dozen of quotes and insights and do the 40 days of Lent posting. Let’s see how that goes.