some days are better than others

…and for very different reasons. Some days are physically difficult but emotionally soothing (with, say, a visit from a dear friend). Some are physically draining but mentally stimulating (like, say, a mystery walk through a city). Some days just suck. Some are awesome. And i think its the expectation that they should all be good that does the most damage.

One of the things that I live by is “all is of God, or nothing is” and since i believe  all is of God (unless, fleetingly, i can grasp a vaguely Buddhist understanding of ‘nothing is’ – but which really just doubles down on the original) – I must accept the illness I experience as being of God. on good days and on bad days. It is not a mistake, it is not some failing on my part, it is not punishment, it’s simply another manifestation of the divine. Albeit one of the more challenging to accept as so.

One of my favorite ideas is that life is a never-ending game of God playing “can you see me now?” Sometimes she is such a good hiderSometimes it is very easy to see Her – and not just see her, to be awed by the beauty and wonder of her expression. Sometimes it’s a little trickier.

A friend came to see me today, so good-naturedly, so sincerely, bringing me yet another dietary protocol her heart definitely believes ‘offers the cure.’ She’s a relatively new friend, so she missed the years of “this just might be the answer” dietary protocols. It’s not a hard one, so I’ll probably do it (beats eating the standard fare available in this day and age) but I no longer expect ‘the cure.’ and the truth is, I am weak enough and in enough pain (just this week my right hand is letting me know typing may not be entirely available to me relatively soon) – even if this is ‘the cure’ I doubt it can work fast enough to give me the relief that will give me the strength to really do all the bits.

Another thing i sorta live by is “in part everywhere, in whole nowhere.” which i am more suited to than ‘answer-seeking’ – it’s more of a hunter-gatherer approach, where I am collecting truth and relief from many sources and compiling them into a unique song of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I was raised and educated to believe in One Right Answer. And i think there are many areas that there may be one right answer. I just don’t experience many of those areas lately. Lately, most things are a composite.

and so as i embark on this chapter of trying to bridge all of the forms of healing available to me, and to develop a recipe that allows me to truly participate with vitality and ease, i think it’s most important to welcome opinions (not my strong-suit) (as a matter of fact, i as I listened to my friend and tried to explain why I wasn’t quite as excited as she was, I was literally floored (as in, couldn’t stand – because i know what literally means) at how much resistance was in my voice and description)… welcome it, test it, use my discernment and even more importantly, my body awareness, and develop my personal path in this life. The same as all of us must.