Monthly Archives: January 2020

New Eras

This Christmas our family entered a new era… our youngest turned 13 and there were remarkably fewer LEGOs strewn about the house all holiday season long. I hadn’t really realized what a big part LEGO had played in our holidays until I had clean floors from Christmas til New Years. Bittersweet? Maybe a little. I enjoyed our children’s childhoods (so, so much) but I’ve got to admit, I’m enjoying their development into young adults every bit as much. Plus: clear floors.

Clear floors is a big deal, getting bigger by the day for me.

Hi. My name is Lisa and I am increasingly dependent.

I spent my life striving to become independent. Not needing anyone was important to me. I enjoyed *enjoying* people, but I didn’t want to need them. I don’t think I was alone in this misguided aspiration, but I was definitely seriously afflicted.

Now, I’m seriously afflicted by arthritis and <insert mystery illnesses here>. Lately I can’t really walk. I’m dependent and I’m scared and I don’t like it one bit. At least not yet.

Over these years, this disease has taught me a lot. I’ve been able to receive my lot as a blessing in many, many ways. I still feel this way. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned and who I’ve become. It’s just that some part of me thought that if i had a good attitude towards the disease it would go away. it hasn’t.

In fact, it seems to be getting worse. I’ve not re-read much, but i imagine there’s a pattern in these posts that I’m sicker in winter and more capable in summer. Maybe not. I don’t look back much, and perhaps I should start, but the present moment is so interesting it’s hard to pull my attention away. This week, though, has been especially rough and I may have even exhausted my rosy outlook.

I’m not sure if I’m being swept away by guilt (my husband has far too much responsibility in this partnership) or shame (despite visibly deformity, I still often think I am a hypochondriac and that this illness is my fault, a result of things i’ve done wrong that are so intrinsic to me that I can’t even see – – and I’ve spent a decade going deep into unintegrated stuff, healing I am grateful for but which obviously isn’t enough – oh, and let’s not even get started on my professional gaffes). What I do know is that I don’t like being a burden and I am little other than that these days.

I believe in and trust in and surrender to Life Itself as having far greater synergy and order than my little human mind can comprehend. I willingly give myself to that higher intelligence and offer myself to play whatever role might be most helpful to the evolution of life in general and to creating a society that honors life in ALL. I really am down with that. I really don’t mind being still, feeling the world around me and spending hour after hour blessing or forgiving or shining light on everything that comes to mind. I feel incredibly fortunate to have time to read the many visionary teachers active on earth today and in times past.  What I hate is not being able to reach a glass 2 feet away from me.

This week we’ve been wheelchair shopping. Whats worst is my upper body doesn’t have the strength that i can even hope to wheel myself. More dependency. More pulling my husband away from doing all the things that keep the lights on, and the kids fed, and the dog walked, so he can put on my socks.

it’s humbling.

and it may only get worse. that’s daunting.

i’m sorry for this post. it’s just been a rough week and I perceive I do mostly posts about how good this journey has been for me, i thought was important to document the more emotionally challenging periods as well.

2020 Vision

I’m excited about the New Year. I’m even more excited about the new decade.

My vision for this adventure is all about conscious evolution. How present can I be to the old, unconscious habits I’ve developed over a lifetime that no longer serve me or my intentions? How can I renew and restore my daily activities so they clearly and decisively contribute to a world that works for everyone, that frees the human psyche (including but not limited to my own) from fear, and participates in nature as a humble and wondrous partner?

Breath by breath, I would say. Decision by decision. Noticing and noticing. Opening and opening.

It’s the journey of a lifetime, this path to conscious engagement in the present moment. I’m getting a trial by fire this month, in that I’ve realized (since a few months into Tai Chi) that the posture I always thought was so great is distributing weight through non-weight-bearing areas along with other problems. So these last few weeks (now starting Heaven and Earth Qi Gong) I have been challenged to be conscious of standing and literally taking each step in a whole new way, and boy has it sucked. I am telling myself that it is the relearning causing the pain and incapacity in my knees for example, but I’ve always been particularly skilled in rationalization. No matter: it is the stories we believe that dictate our emotional state, so mine will believe this is leading to something better, something more durable and reliable and relatable, something that will propel my ability to be of service.

2020 is just such a great year to be alive. No doubt it’s full of true insanity (already!) but I believe that is the counterbalance to the deep and lasting sanity that is taking hold in the hearts of millions. I believe the (r)evolution is upon us – towards a broader and more expansive understanding of community and diversity and gifts and giving, towards self-expression and mutual support. I see it everywhere, and the bounty of teachers demonstrating the simple (not necessarily easy) and expansive truth about the nature of who and what we are – it really is a privilege to be alive and a tremendous responsibility to calibrate and align to the emerging unity and the creative unfolding of a new way of life on this planet. To do the work when fear arises so that we can be with it without fear – so that we can be with it knowing that it has arisen so that it can be met with love, with compassion, with witnessing and with a fearlessness in which it is both welcome and able to dissolve.

I’ve been doing this work for a long time and I am humbled by how much I have yet to do. And yet, this itself is evolution. This itself demands I be more conscious more seconds of each day, developing the capacity to look where I have carefully constructed diversions and letting in some fresh air.

Wholeness means all of it, the exaltation of those moments of felt unity and the humility of the untended areas of my personal garden, and the intention and action to tend to them – gently and powerfully – for the love of  the garden, not the promise of its yield.

I believe this decade will be miraculous in many ways, and it is my intention to contribute to the actualization of love in action with every cell of my body, in service to All.