Monthly Archives: December 2019

what infinite really means

This endlessness, the persistent unfolding of life itself onward ever present – its heady stuff. I’ve written before about coming to understand the word and concept of ‘infinite’ and it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve also written before about every time i start to feel a little mastery of something (i noticed this first around infant napping schedules), it lasted 5 seconds and a new phase began. I’ve felt my share of frustration around that, but it sings of the ever unfolding of life itself, so we’ll accept it as a positive thing.

i have spent a lot of time this past year practicing bodyfulness, on calls, as meditation, throughout the day… I’ve gotten pretty good at habitually drawing attention to the felt-sense with the key elements of not wanting to fix, change, or interpret what I feel (gets trickier) and trickier still, inviting whatever I feel to relax, but not because i need it to. That last part is especially hard during flare ups or any sustained high intensity pain, but if i can muster the *thought* I’m happy – if i can give 10 seconds of genuine practice, I’m really happy.

Today it came to me that I have to do it (invite whatever I feel, as it is, without wanting to fix, change, understand) while I am in motion.

That’s quite a bit harder, because it’s motion when the pain is most active for me.

And because i was really starting to get the hang of ‘in stillness’ it only makes sense that ‘and during action’ should come up.

The SLG umbrella for whatever I’ve been trying to put together is The Ministry of Stillness. It has the tagline of ‘and inspired action’ but i haven’t known how to work it in yet. Now, I’m getting the sense, is the time.

I’m starting this heaven and earth qi gong, and the instructor gives excellent cuing for a level of centered groundedness. Not all of it I can do. But, if, as I approach the parts of the form that are currently unavailable to me with this in mind – inviting (but not demanding) relaxation and feeling the discomforts of my edges gently yet fully, without wishing they would change.

Tough assignment! Shit hurts! But I’m psyched, because I feel like I have been training for exactly this for some time. and i’m even feeling the shame of having it take so long… feeling it and letting it pass, as I embrace the possibility of a whole new way of being in my body. Yeah, that’s exciting.

i think this moves from ‘every breath counts’ collecting intentional breaths throughout the day to ‘every breath of intentional physical centered, balanced roundedness counts” and hopefully drop my gravity into my feet in a way that they can shake the bad habits i developed and start to build a balanced and powerful way of being in the world.