Monthly Archives: February 2019

culture could use some upgrades

Because my childhood included an adult that had anger take over from time to time, I learned to function (to some degree) in conflict. It was definitely an unhealthy environment, and it taught me the value of emotional hygiene, which, admittedly, was not a big deal in the 50’s/60’s/70’s in the circles I was aware of at least… Anyhow…

Conflict is a part of life. Trauma does not have to arise out of conflict. It can, especially if left untended, but facing conflict with equanimity (you’ve got a problem? ok. let’s hear it and we’ll go from there) barely ever happens. Instead, people tend to suit up. Not all conflict is worth suiting up for.

Tucker used to hate returning things to stores. It just rang his bells. Why voluntarily put yourself in conflict. It seemed ridiculous to me: returning an item to a store is not a conflict. Well, to me it wasn’t. But, for some time it was to him. And i think that is in part because they had so little conflict in his house, and when they had it, it was a drag, so why walk into a situation where someone might get mad? We’re all the products of our early environments.

My friend Brandi used to do a really excellent seminar on Boundaries. How creating boundaries, which is often interpreted in a “stay away” attitude, is actually an act of intimacy. I trust you enough to let you know what my compass says here.

I used to tell my kids, if someone isn’t liking you right now, don’t take it personally. Think about pizza. Sometimes you can eat pizza every night for days. Sometimes, you just don’t want pizza. It doesn’t mean you don’t like pizza or you’re cursing it, it just means… let’s focus our attention elsewhere for a minute.

So, boundaries and handling conflict are two areas (which I believe are intertwined) where our culture could use an upgrade. Indeed, if we’re going to progress culturally, I believe we need a whole new conversation about these things. What kindness it is to be clear about what we are feeling and needing. I mean, we don’t always understand it ourselves, but as we commit to dialing in to our inner compass, to living life from a place of trust (not trusting that everything is going to go a certain way, but trusting that you have the resources and support to move forward in life come what may), we can receive what comes to us with curiosity over defensiveness, clarity over wishing the world would change, and deep groundedness in ourselves over lashing out at others.

Of course, we are humans. Things get messy. It’s hard to grow without changing (impossible) and hard to learn without making mistakes and hard to break things without making a mess. Framing mistakes as undesirable is another source of confusion for me in our culture.  Maybe that will be tomorrow’s post…

my big TOE

Smoking enables people taking breaks, that’s why intelligent people can still do it despite the damning health and environmental impact. I am lucky that I cannot smoke anymore, or I totally would, just to facilitate the break. I am a personality type that is basically always thinking and “trying to do something” and breaks are not natural to me. Without smoking, I basically had to invent a whole daily dynamic of talking and reading and writing about it just to try to make sure i do it.

Some people do not have this problem. Some people are not anxious or overly cerebral. We all have our unique mix of skills and challenges. Blessed by some things, cursed by others. But, of course, which is in the eye of the beholder.

And that’s why I titled today’s post theory of everything. My theory of everything is that when we inhabit ourselves fully; 1)the divinity which keeps us breathing, plus 2)the earth creation of these amazing bodies – the result of millions of years of evolution – Life itself expresses through us. Life lives through us. we add embellishments and even set the direction through the gift of free will expressed by the focus of our intention, but Life has a bigger, grander being and expressing of which we are a part.

Also, integrating spirit and body happens IN THE BODY, and so spending time and focus just being in the body – this is the key. We can think about orange juice all day long, but until we actually drink it we remain thirsty… When we are all doing this, we are operating in concert and while troubles may come up, they are not defended, they naturally resolve themselves and in doing so contribute to the furtherence of wellness.

WEllness. We. Each fully inhabiting a progressively more integrated physical/spiritual self, our spirit, which is not restricted by our identities and personal dramas. The deeper we are in that space, the more we meet others from that space. As much time as possible in that space feels like a very good idea.

Also in my TOE, we are put on this earth, that spark within us, to anchor the vibration of that spark. Everything about the details of the duration of the time from first breath to last is only mildly consequential to the overall impact of that grounding. Sortof like, we’re all traveling from NYC to LA, and while we are in the air, what you do does not really impact our ability to arrive in LA. It greatly impacts your own experience of it, but nothing is at stake here. The end is sure. But dynamic. and unknown. and unknowable, but able to be experienced. and that’s what we’re here doing. wow.

time flies

I’ve been doing the Perelandra Microbial Balancing Program for the last few months, and very intensively for the last few weeks (it’s a flower essences program, mostly, to support the microbes that support our biome) and I can only begin to describe how much I am enjoying it – even though it is taking up quite a bit of time. It’s hard for me to imagine why it took me so long to start this program, since I’ve enjoyed Perelandra’s MAP program for almost a decade, but I think it has everything to do with needing to slow down first. I notice the more relaxed I am as I do the processes, the more I get out of it – and even on my best day 5 years ago I had nowhere near the body awareness and groundedness I have on my worst day now.  Another example of how slowing down is delivering things to me that I have wanted but simply weren’t available while I was running around chasing them down.

I’m writing my next Udemy course: “Bodyfulness: Like Mindfulness without all that Pesky Thinking.” I think i’ll probably change the subheading, but I am enjoying it today.

Probably most people haven’t been coopted by their minds the way I have been, and so this is no revelation for your average bear. But for me, and people like me, stopping the runaway mental train and taking a dip in the cool refreshing body pool is the height of luxury. Peace of mind, in my experience, comes only when I am not in it. Kindof like the music room in a preschool: the only time it is quiet and peaceful is when it is uninhabited.

Between my sister and the teacher, I had a real lesson in self acceptance over the last few weeks. Not everyone is going to like me. Sometimes I may even agree with them. But I am here, and I am contributing something and I need to square with that. I am tired of trying to control my every word and move. I’m pretty freaking self-reflective and I’m now, finally, at 50 years old, going to throttle back on that. I’ve kept myself under a microscope for so dang long, I think a reprieve is not only in order, it is a necessity. I’m just going to be me. And when the goddess Kali inhabits me, I’m not going to apologize for her.  Everybody loves Kali except when she’s pointed at them…

I feel I’ve crossed a threshold of sorts. Between all of these things and the talks I did this weekend, I am sensing a shedding of one of the layers within which I’ve kept myself shrouded. I love the Paul Selig work so much with the depth of resource to help shed old pictures. Like the Tao Te Ching says, Education is accumulating knowledge. Wisdom is shedding it…

life as master teacher

Life delivers us opportunities. endlessly. we can kindof curate some of the lessons, but i think that’s just a story i tell myself. But, I do trust the universe. i can answer the ‘is the universe friendly?’ question with a resounding “yes” but sometimes little bits of me didn’t get the memo. and they come up to catch some air. and if i can be aware enough, i can welcome them into the fresh air and you know, hopefully, integrate them. But there are hundreds of things i thought i’d integrated that keep coming up for air. and maybe my reaction time is getting better, but maybe not. but i am committed. i will look and hold space even for the parts of me for which i am ashamed. They are there, too. If I’m open to the full spectrum of my humanness I need to be open to them. the parts of me I want to be different (notice i did not say i want to change – a subtle but important distinction, and one i’m not proud of. it colors me a slacker, which is painfully true). Anyway, it’s uncomfortable. but what makes it bearable is my intent. Having an intent of serving Divine Mother, and cocreatively evolving towards greater love, freedom and relationship, as all of nature is evolving, always has, always will. I will make mistakes. some will be stupid. some will be spectacular. wins and losses in turn… but that can only be based in duality. without duality, they aren’t wins or losses. life just is. all decisions life-positive results, even when that life-positivity is in the decline and renewal stage. naming it was just so silly.

that tree of good and evil… i’m so curious what life would look like had that fruit never been eaten. but even more than some mythical protohuman making that choice, we’re still making it and we don’t just eat the apple, we eat apples 10x per day. Even with the deep and true intent to receive all of life as the expression of god in her fullness, i act like johnny appleseed, making sure everyone has apple -everything so judgement of good and evil is part of every meal, every drink, every inhalation/exhalation. Here’s my stick. Doesn’t it make sense? good ideas, bad habits… i’ve got a line on all of them and they’re all on my scale. This is a habit, and a habit begins to unravel as awareness offers knowledge of choice in the present moment.

‘there’s nothing wrong here’ was a kind of mantra for me a couple of years back. i trained myself to sit back 5-10 times per day and be in a few moments of acknowledging that it just may be possible that what is happening is the most glorious unfolding of life itself experiencing love in every facet.  it’s a nice habit. it never let me get to far down the rabbit hole of things wrong with me, or the house, or the country. a moment of acknowledgement of trust in the universe over my mental dialogue. then, with the body practices, i gave up the sortof negatively phrased words and moved into a body experience of being for those interludes. and now i play games of cueing to get it in as often in the day as i can. because it feels so good. and being in a tense physical/mental space is exhausting. and the healing begins with the decision to remember that it just might be possible that we are life expressing itself with infinitely more variations and interconnections we could possibly understand, and it’s all ok. glorious, in fact. one breath, one smile, one release at a time.