Monthly Archives: January 2019

healing is a team sport

have i mentioned here about the illness/wellness i/we thing i heard from Tara Brach’s winter solstice satsang? It’s been on my mind so much lately. I remember Dr. Kupperberg telling me “healing happens in relationship” and how that absolutely blew my mind. I thought it was up to me to heal, and then go into relationships – that that is how they would be healthy. but indeed, we heal each other as we relate. we need each other. we really do. and even the yogi alone on the mountaintop needs the air and the sun and the ground on which he sits, and the insects that maintain that ground and the water and the icecaps who melt to provide it. Then you have people like me who are so reliant on Tucker and my kids and our friends and family, teachers, authors, that one person who said something in passing that one time that opened up a whole new way of thinking… we are the result of so many influences, so many people touch us, impact us, change us, restore us, inspire us.

Sometimes healing feels lonely. sometimes all of it feels lonely. Is it in the bible “if you knew who walked beside you, you would never feel alone”? Every poem, every song, every smile – these things shape us. they keep us connected to ourselves, each other, this planet and species and far beyond what we can see. Even when we are alone, we carry the imprint of every influence and we can access that connection if only we open our hearts to it.

I’m pretty blown away by how many wonderful influences I’ve had, things i would have overlooked before I started slowing down. When i was on the chase I was looking for that big influence that would change me not recognizing I had dozens of them working their magic every day. Ramana Maharshi didn’t open my heart chakra through transmission (to my knowledge), but Walt Whitman has directly indirectly. We all impact each other, even if we don’t write poems.

We also can’t know all of our impact – which is why the Bhagavad Gita talks about practice and nonattachment. When we’re attached to our results, strange things take over. When we act from our hearts and engage wholeheartedly with the world, we are becoming that which we can’t help but become, but each and every flower (that has bloomed or not bloomed) has helped/is helping us get there.

really really slow

As my mind unwound yesterday, I could feel how much tension was in my body. I knew this, of course. it was part of the reason I was so upset! Not wanting to induce that kind of tension on myself was a huge reason I stopped engaging in any testy or tricky relationships during the months after my surgery. Now that we’d come into the new year and various things made me review the relationships (is it ok to withdraw from close relationships?), the tension was frustrating. But once the frustration broke, the tension was revealed in its fullness and so today has been very focused on releasing that tension. And, of course, tension weakens the body, and so in addition to trying to stretch and relax the muscles I also need to work to strengthen them.

This is such a great way to take responsibility for my own experience. The way my body feels and my ability to apply my resources toward improvement is within my purview. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me, it matters how I feel. And when I start to revisit my dramas, I use that as a cue to relax my shoulders and WOW, it’s amazing how tight they get and how quickly. Needless to say, I had lots of cues today.

It made me a little sad because I hadn’t noticed how many of my ad hoc practices (the 100 breaths I try to take throughout the day, for example) minimized during my mental drama. I thought I’d advanced past things falling off the map. It’s humbling. Humbling is good.

This is why I have so many practices, because I need A LOT of practice. Body-based practice, breath-based practice, relaxation-based practice, feeling-based practice. I guess, as I think of it, I did do a lot of extra practices (the byron katie and radical forgiveness worksheets) for my mental health, but without those physical practices, my body suffers.

I am so fortunate to be in a relationship where my husband fully supports and encourages me to be still, to engage in self-care, and even feeds the kids to take it off my plate. And kids that take on responsibility so as to free up my time and still get their needs met. It is this living laboratory of empowering relationships, how people can treat each other. It shines the light on why discernment is so important and relational practices that honor the individuals and the whole. Tucker’s good emotional hygiene and genuinely caring nature is an enormous part of how I’ve been able to encounter this whole broad illness over all of these years with a certain amount of equanimity. His kindness and the container he creates is the foundation of my healing. It is humbling. Humbling is good.

imperfect. and ok. in fact, quite lovely

egads, this thing with my sister has had me in a tussle these last few days. Really edgy. uncomfortable. defensive. offensive. confused, weary and frustrated. That is a very good sign. Pair that with having the good fortune of being behind on the Business Plan for Peace episodes and needing to play catch-up. The chances of those two things coinciding is… well… divine, right?

At the end of the day, i can be perfectly open but only when I feel safe. And, really, I can only feel safe when I am grounded in my body. When I’m up in my head telling stories, I am not safe one bit. There are always more sides to the story! Some clarify the story, but most muddle it. Some make me look like a hero, most make me look like a villain. Actually, very few make me look like a hero –

When I am in my body, weirdly enough, i am free. this moment is my reality, my breath is my privilege and my body is open to sense and respond to the world. It is a beautiful place to be. Every breath I spend here diffuses my problems. As I relax into it, the truth reveals itself to me, both in moments of stillness and in moments of activity – but activity that is purposeful and open – activity inspired by stillness and in service of love in some way. such were the activities of my afternoon. Not grandly in the service of love, just mundanely so. taking josie to get her hair done. then popping into run an errand nearby and next to a used bookstore I just love the energy of. so of course i’ll stop in. even in the downpour (which did dissuade me from buying a book to carry back). but i got to browse and i saw a book entitled: spirituality of imperfection. and i saw it. i saw how much i was trying to be perfect. how much i was trying to defend a perfection that doesn’t exist (certainly not in the context of the mind’s stories, but clearly in the stopping in to a particular bookstore). I’m glad I didn’t buy it, though, because the answer isn’t there. i don’t need another book. i just need to live in the present moment.

don’t get me wrong. i may get and read the book because I love and need the reminders. I go off on stressful tangents when I am not anchored in my body. I need to read about it and talk about it and breathe within it and have it be the basis of my relationships. I need to be in my body and do what my body is asking me to do.

in this case, my body is asking me not to interact with my sister. I’m just not into it and the thought of it provokes an unpleasant physical reaction. OK. Simple.

It’s not until my inner critic pipes in, and the cultural attaché voice, the family guilt voice, my sister’s defensive voice, my angry voice – all these freaking voices! Who needs it? But when I’m in it, I can’t see my way out of it. It’s a maelstrom of confusion and regret and disappointment and yuck!

My body is fine with my sister. It’s fine with her choices and her life. In the past, there were many times when it enjoyed being around her. there were times when it craved it. there may be times again. my body’s only really concerned with how I feel *when the question comes up*

and that is a very, very freeing realization.

and from this grounded place, I can look at the situation anew.

and through the exercises of TheBusiness Plan for Peace, i can put myself in her shoes and argue a very convincing point of view. She has the right to live exactly how she chooses, we all make mistakes and don’t people who rub it in our faces suck, and she deserves my respect. Absolutely. 100%.

I can distill my position to: I don’t need to have things in my life that I don’t want to have in my life. and that doesn’t make me a bad or mean person. I can forgive her for not being who I want her to be, or think she should be. She gets to be herself and I honor that she is an aspect of God, making divine choices and growing each day.  and I get to be myself. And myself is 100% focused on doing things my body is at least balanced or neutral about. All the better if my body is craving it. But first, do no harm. To my body. Even if that means doing harm to my relationships. they have to come second. the only way I am going to succeed in interacting in the world in healing ways is listening to what makes me flourish and stopping things that make me feel yucky.

I spent a lot of time wanting someone’s approval (or at least not such overt disapproval) in my relationship with my brother. I *hated* that he didn’t think I was great (that in fact he wouldn’t so much as defend me to someone who said i was evil to my very core). How could he feel that way about me? I was his sister! Then I proceeded to act in ways that made it very hard for him to possibly like me.

I can see that my sister might feel like I felt, and I feel bad for making her (potentially, i don’t want to assume she feels how i think she feels, she is entitled to her own feelings and not my assumptions). But I think she’s mature enough to know that my approval isn’t going to help her, and i know she knows my company isn’t essential to her having a fun and enjoyable life. Consider the source. She and I have very different lives and very different values right now, it makes sense we might not resonate like we once did. I had to come to that with my brother, and it took 25 or so years, but i don’t think she’ll need that long. and i really have no malice for her. i think she’s lovely in lots of ways.

I feel great freedom listening to my body in this and not needing to be right about anything other than interpreting my own physical state. I don’t need to be right. from a psychological point of view, I am open to the possibility that i am 100% wrong (i can say in any case, i was bonafide mean to her in making the break. which isn’t nice. but i’m not all kuan yin. i’m also kali. she only comes out when she’s repeatedly invoked, but she comes out swinging). When my body allows me, I am happy to address all of it with my sister. I can be present to trauma. i can take responsibility. i can, but not until then (and probably with a facilitator). sadly, my body’s instincts and receptivity is more important than her feelings. that feels horribly selfish, but when i act when my body tells me not to because something else is more important, that’s another invocation of kali. it doesn’t go well.

I am grateful for this practice. I am grateful for the orientation to evolving. I am grateful for the orientation to peace and the course i’m in and the practices. also for the byron katie worksheets and the colin tipping worksheets and that wonderful book i saw in that charming book store. i am grateful to my sister for giving me an opportunity to learn this. to explore the relationship between judgment and discerning, how we make choices, how we fail sometimes and that has to be ok. because it is. and to shed the guilt and the doubt and appreciate the serendipity even if you haven’t seen it yet, trusting that life is unfolding as it only can, that it loves each of us with the fullness of the universe, and the more I can be in my body and in the present moment, the more I can recognize it.

 

vegetarians and omnivores. can there be peace?

I imagine in a world divided by eating preferences, peace might be difficult.

I am in a peace-building program (Scilla Elworthy’s Business Plan for Peace) and in being aware of our own shadow and our own areas of contention, my relationship with my sister comes up. I certainly don’t want to diminish my capacity to be a power of peace in the world because of my situation with her. So, it has really been on my mind.

How do vegetarians and omnivores cohabitate? How do people or groups with values-based differences resolve their grievances?

I think vegetarians and omnivores can live reasonably well together if they sortof keep to themselves. Because if the vegetarians can’t be happy until the omnivores quit killing animals, vegetarians can’t be happy. But, there is some science to support that if humans were supposed to be vegetarian we would have a different digestive system. And, while I was a vegetarian on moral grounds for a long time, I cannot deny that my health improved when I started eating meat. And as Joseph Campbell said, vegetarians eat living things, too, they just eat ones that can’t run away. So, while I DEPLORE modern animal practices (and only support pasture farmers) I am not really sure who is right.

Does peace rely on our ability to allow others to live their lives the way they want to? I think it might.

Peaceful co-existence, letting people live as they want to, seems like a really good place to start.

When vegetarians and omnivores share a meal things get difficult.

I think i need to bring this question – this definition of peace – to the course for clarification. Is peaceful coexistence enough, or do we need acceptance and encouragement? that seems like a pipe dream.

i am free

I listened to a teacher today whose work is excellent. I like everything she says. I simply can’t stand her voice and the cadence of her speech. It’s enough that I will keep to reading her work from now on, lol, and it is not the first time i have felt that way about a speaker. Part of me is frustrated with myself for being judgmental. But the truth is, I get to be me and I don’t have to love every aspect of every person.

I’ve been going through a similar situation with my sister. She’s a wonderful human being in many, many ways, but at this time in my life she’s a source of stress and judgment and aversion. We’ve had a couple of falling outs and this last time, around my surgery and recovery, I enforced a “leave me alone” policy. I’m catching a lot of flack that I should get over that and engage with her, but I just don’t want to. I’ve been in this situation with her several times in the last couple of years and I keep listening to people and trying to resolve things so that she feels better and it has blown up in our faces. I think I deserve to spend time with the people I want to spend time with.

We have wronged each other relatively severely. That happens a lot in families. I can forgive her, and I can forgive myself. I think that’s a pretty big step. I just feel that forgiveness does not necessarily mean welcoming a person back into your life.I can welcome her to live her own life with my full encouragement – that should be enough, shouldn’t it? I don’t have to judge it if it doesn’t impact me.

I can hold us both in the light, recognizing we are divine beings and have every right to live our lives the way we want to. I can see the tragedy of it, and the potential gifts of it. But put having to deal with her in my face?  all of that goes away. The utter bullshit of miscommunication is all that is present then and I don’t want to re-engage. It makes me sick and i am not particularly nice to her. She has asked me to treat her more kindly. I think I should wait until I actually feel that towards her. I think it is a mistake to rush it.

We feel really differently on really essential items. She, like my mother, will accept anything you say if you say it nicely. I have no such standard. I actually listen to the content of what people say, and when it is wildly offensive, it is not unusual for me to decisively drop some f-bombs. It’s a style of communication that many people don’t like, and you can imagine how many fucks I give. I’m done apologizing for standing up for myself, telling people what is not OK, or managing my life by my own values.

I’m clearly not ready to see her no matter who would feel better if I did. I need to honor me. When I do that, I hold no resentment. When I try to meet anyone else’s expectations about how I should behave, I feel awful. I don’t have to do that to myself. I am free. They are free. Why would I bind myself? I don’t have to, and I won’t. Not today. Not until it feels right in my own heart.

 

 

a typical situation in these typical times

too many choices.

I am sick to death of self-improvement modalities. I am sick to death of wonder foods, healing protocols and transformational retreats. Only because I am sick of chasing them. I am sick of trying to improve myself, to get to the next level, to supercharge my anything. I am sick of marketing materials in almost every form, but especially the ones allowing me insider specials today only. I am sick of supposedly spiritual people using the same tactics as beer commercials and fashion magazines to make me feel I’m not quite right but might be after I take their course. I am sick of sales pages that ramble on forever, but at the bottom I’m still 3 clicks away from learning the actual price. I’m deathly sick of “before you complete your order, here’s a one-time opportunity for <me to upsell you>.” I’m sick of the sales funnels and the private facebook groups and the webinars. I’m sick of all of it.

In fact, I’m just sick. And I literally like my illness more than I like any of the things I’ve listed above. My illness has more to teach me. It may be physically painful but it’s not psychologically manipulative. It has my interests at heart (not someone else’s multiple streams of income).  What it does have in common with all of the above is that it is desperately trying to get my attention. Finally, I’m starting to give it. But the distractions are tough, and the hope for a solution outside myself is compelling.

This year has been a good one for me because my focus on slowing down has me setting aside brochures/pamphlets/earlybird emails more often than I let myself in years past. I can recognize that what you offer may be the best thing since sliced bread, but right now I need to stick to fruits and vegetables. I still fall prey to it, but far less often and with far less stress or the now fairly ubiquitous FOMO. I’m fairly low-hanging fruit for Paul Selig, Scilla Elworthy, Thomas Hübl, Byron Katie and Machaelle Wright, but I have very little interest in adding anyone to that list (I think Claire Zammit would’ve been on it until her step two program turned out to be ten grand. i feel a little uninspired, but really think her Feminine Power course material is absolutely outstanding).

We all know what we need is within us. I truly think we all know that. And, I believe we are here to explore the world, to interact with it, experience it and taste it, so it seems natural to look outside of ourselves, too.

My goal this year is to experience the world from a place of wholeness, not a place of trying to fix. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of me that needs fixing, in all of the categories. But I don’t believe we’re here to fix ourselves. I believe we’re here to grow and experience and laugh and serve exactly as we are and into that which we can’t help but become.

This is my new cue. When i think “oh, that might <make me better>” I’m going to slow down. Breathe. Appreciate just how much peace of mind I have when I am breathing and slowing down, sitting and smiling.

not being enough

I care about the earth. i care about my impact on it and what i support. i want to be a steward. there are so many people living with such integrity and care, really taking responsibility for the fullness of their lifestyle. There’s the Prius-driving (now tesla, i suppose. if you can afford it) organic gardening, compost, no-packaging folks. people who eat delicious plant-based meals and the right water filter (whole house. some aspect of capture, a full rain water system, etc) and walk to work. I am so glad they are here. i have aspirations to emulate – especially the grace with which they do it – a balance of effort and ease. effort right-applied, i guess, or at least that is how i perceive it. chances are the truth is a bit messier.

Our family of four produces one large kitchen garbage bag and one medium canister bag per week. except at like christmas. our recycling bin is always the fuller, and up until i killed the worms this summer, we composted all our food waste. We are a one car household. We eat a lot of plants. we used to grow some but the water situation at this house has posed problems.

Today i was reading Perelandra’s series on taking responsibility for the environment. and when Tucker threw garbage in recycling, i threw a little fit. And then threw some shade that he doesn’t care enough. you know, my guilt coming out as blame. That was shitty.

And i do have guilt. and i have stress about both the guilt and the lack of excellence in our recycling.

when we lived in rhode island i tried really hard. the kids were little and there was so much freaking packaging in our house. the house was consumed by recycling piles and areas and shit everywhere because it was tough to get to the recycling center. at a certain point, tucker said, ‘listen, you have so much stress about this, and the house is so trashed all the time… we can kill ourselves recycling, or we can be responsible as the system is set up to be and have a clean house. It was worth a try. I was maximizing the at-home recycling opportunities, but throwing out the plastics and other things they wouldn’t take.

I can do better.

And i can enlist the kids to make our home resource usage environmentally honorable as a form of social activism. It’s something we can do right here and now and it’s important and impactful. but even as i write this i can feel the fear of not getting it off the ground. failing. yet another great idea I didn’t act upon. Or started and failed.

But sometimes life is like that. sometimes we fail. but what direction are we moving in? i may not be perfect, but i am relentless in my efforts to make healthy, whole decisions and actions that honor boundaries and respect life, nature, and everyone involved. to spend my time holding space for the evolution of humanity towards a society of love and equality, support and nurturance. of everyone and everything. the unfolding of an age of mutual thriving. the garden. taking a resplendent place in the expression of life itself. human being at its finest, alive in our environment. in cocreative partnership with nature. and each other. and life itself.

that’s my contribution right now. it’s my top priority.I’m not great at it, but I am dedicated. It’s like ‘the subtle art of not giving a fuck’ – you only have so many fucks to give. use them wisely.  we’ve got to pick our priorities. and as we honor our priorities, we gain mastery and as we gain mastery we can expand our purview. but not while we’re condemning ourselves for what we’re not.  frustration is good – it teaches us what direction we want to go in – what areas we *want* to grow in, even if we don’t have capacity yet.. we can let it thwart us, or we can let it propel us, knowing that frustration wanes as practice leads to capacity leads to mastery. Expanding consciousness doesn’t come because the current consciousness is inadequate – it comes through and as current consciousness. focus on the inadequacy is constrictive consciousness. it’s looking in the shadow direction. expanding consciousness looks at the present moment as the beginning. constrictive consciousness looks at the present moment as the inadequate end. you and I are not “flawed.” we are growing.

i believe that as i incorporate things like a higher level of recyling, i will experience and thereby realize deeper levels of integrity and balance in all of my life. And while I struggle with the realities of the prevailing culture – like all that freaking packaging – mindfulness is the first step. Everyone wants the mature garden. things start as seeds.

and while we plant the seeds, we can’t be pissed at them for not being plants.

.

crushed

Today I found out one of the most important people in my life passed away a few months ago. 10 days after I last spoke with him, but because of my hip surgery I didn’t reach back out to him until this week. When he didn’t respond, I weirdly did an obit search and sadly found one.

John was the most interesting, fun, and intelligent person I’ve ever met. He is responsible for so many of my better attributes. His daughter died a couple of years ago, and I know every day was torture for him since then. I know he’s at rest. But, the world is a less vibrant place.

I’m crushed not because he died (I have unusual feelings about death) but because in the spring I said to him, “John, you’re the best raconteur on earth, with the funniest stories… let’s do a series of videochats of you telling stories and we’ll make them into a compilation for your grandson.” We did one. Life got busy. That was what I reached out to him to continue last week. The world, and his grandson, would have loved those stories. He had countless *really good* stories. Like the time he went to Queen Noor’s speech and ended up leaving with her personal copy. Or the time he ended up talking to the King of Spain when no one else would. Literally thousands of really funny, poignant, unbelievable stories. He was really something.

His dad did an “oral history of detroit” i think in the 70’s, and i’m sure it’s in the archives in the detroit historical museum. That’s why i thought the idea of chronicling his many stories would appeal to him. Plus, I really wanted to “see” him regularly. Over the 30 years I knew him, I enjoyed every minute.

He taught me to smile for no reason, to be kind to every person I encountered because being overtly kind and engaging is a nice way to live your life. It also sets you up to have unexpected delights most people would pass right by. He never feared red tape (he actually seemed to relish it, because unlike your average bear, he had no problem sorting it out). He lived the maxim: move fearlessly in the direction of your dreams. He considered himself the voice of the helpless and he worked tirelessly on their behalf. I can’t even count the number of pro bono cases he undertook, even when he was struggling financially. I am so disappointed in myself for not being more aggressive in getting our storytelling plan happening. His stories deserve to live on. And i’m sure they will in his family and friends. I know I will be telling them, as I always have, as an example of just how dynamic and fun life can be. That is what he taught me most.

Rest In Peace, Dear One. You made such a difference on this earth. You helped so many, inspired so many more, and taught so much. It was one of the great privileges of my life to have you in it. You are missed.

doing the work

I think about the evolution of consciousness and the divine nature of life itself All. The. Time. All the time. I think about it the way my brother-in-law thinks about sports. It’s not a hobby or an interest, it is a way of life. Everything relates to it and it is the context through which I perceive and interact with basically everyone and every thing. But no matter how much I think about water, if I’m not drinking it, I’m still gonna be thirsty. The drinking of it, the practices over the philosophy – this is the key.

I have been wrong about a million things in my life. I have been right about several. But I have known even more. The brain thinks, the heart knows. I didn’t really think much about marrying Tucker. In fact, most of my thinking about it had to do with how very very different we are, and how very unlike what I expected he is. Had I listened to my thinking, I have no idea where we’d be.

Spending even a few breaths per day in that place of knowing, the place of being, where my thoughts bear no more importance than the distant sound of traffic, even just a breath or two, is enough to turn philosophy into practice. My thirst is met by clear, cool water. and it is so delicious, I sit again.

i spent a decent portion of my life searching for water. I’d read all about it, I knew it to be true, but I could not find the wellspring. So frustrating! Years and years of it. Years and years of reading and talking and wanting and frankly, feeling entitled  (it’s our divine birthright, they told me!) and never imagining it literally resided in this body and silence was the threshold.

Anyone who knows me knows how difficult silence is for me. Perhaps that’s why it took so long. That and a thousand other reasons, but none of them matter. This isn’t something we aspire to… it is a choice we make in the present moment. If we’re aspiring to it, it’s in the future, we have to change.

Weirdly enough, we do not have to change. the world does not have to change. we need to breathe. bonus experience for smiling. how crazy is it that THAT is the work?

Of course, there is other work. Being present to the things we’d rather cast aside. Recognizing the divinity in others, their right to be exactly as they are (Swami Vivekananda said something like: “you can think you’re the most spectacular person in the world, as long as you think everyone else is, too”), recognizing the divinity everywhere … the thing is, these things are done through the sitting and breathing (without all that meaning being attached to the thoughts, without taking the bait of every perceived imperfection).

I’m most excited about the habit of attuning to difficult situations in the way Paul Selig’s books suggest: attuning to the truth, whether the ego can understand it or not. An inner acknowledgment that anything you can see is Life Itself expressing and that is far beyond our meager judgments. Opening to the possibility often is enough to catch a glimmer that it might be true. Freedom really is right here, if we just peeled away all the junk we’ve piled onto it.

remembering

I got so frustrated with myself today. When I scheduled my surgery, I decided to take 3 months with no obligations (truly a blessing, thank you to my husband, children and family) so that I could develop the habits of, for example, relaxed shoulders, a dropped sacrum and other physical cues that belied the unnecessary stress in my body. With three months of concerted effort I was pretty sure I could lock in these better habits and move forward in a new, relaxed framework with which to address the various comings and goings of life.

Funny, right!? I mean, optimistic. For a 50 year old woman to turn around a lifetime of habit in 3 months… well, i think it is possible, but my intention was so far-reaching and so complete.

So today, as I noticed my tipped sacrum and my scrunched shoulders I was SO pissed! How did I not change this? Self-frustration’s engine revved, ready to take off.

Luckily, self-compassion was in the sidecar. Hey, at least I’m noticing more. And in this moment, it’s not about having the perfect habit. It is about being in the moment, noticing the fullness of the moment, and seeing what I can do to contribute to the moment in a way that contributes more love, freedom and/or relationship.

My moments may never be without challenge, either of my own creation or the normal stuff we bump up against in life. More than having a relaxed physical composure, I want to have a compassionate mental composure. A way of living that doesn’t condemn so much as notice, doesn’t complain as much as pose the question of how to restore balance, doesn’t fret so much as develop the muscles of equanimity.

It’s important for me to remember what I am constantly telling my children: we are growing, evolving beings. I keep trying to “be complete” or “right” forgetting that life is never a picture frozen in time, it is always fluid and moving and changing – and the real question is not if I were right or wrong or somewhere in between but how, in this present moment, I am meeting myself and life itself with openness. And if I notice something that my past has taught me I could do better, to employ that knowledge without condemnation for needing to. And guess what? That knowledge may be wrong! or mis-applied. And that’s ok, too.