Monthly Archives: July 2018

what it’s like to be happy

i feel happier in this moment, in a more active way, than i’ve been able to muster in a number of years. I’ve been fortunate enough that I’ve had plenty of contentment and harmony even during periods of great pain and confusion. these things have coexisted, but the pain is diminishing and the confusion is almost fully gone, so the contentment can upgrade to engagement and the harmony can make way for joy. and the joy doesn’t have a condition. i don’t have to accomplish anything or be received in any particular way. i have a pretty small circle of friends and community, but each is very special to me, and activated in a way that had been passive right up until, i think, my birthday. and now the aromatherapy fragrance is hitting the fan. I know who i am. i know what I am. I know how I serve. i am here. i am here. i am here. i have been saying these words since i came across them on a ferry ride to sicily (the work of Paul Selig) and now i have a felt sense of them that was really just a pipedream for several years. Perserverence pays off! Putting a single purpose first will eventually get traction. the traction feels good.

i just got off the phone with my mother. she is lovely. she’s also a nexus of some of my sensitivities. and in those moments with that phone call, the sensitivities were like cones in an agility course and it was easy and fluid and nothing got activated. I’ve been unpeeling layers of identity and diffusing triggers (and filling out radical forgiveness worksheets) for so long, i’m starting to feel the light on my face. relationships are funnier and more fun. i don’t have to like everything and i don’t have to solve everything, and those are big steps for me. and another big step? i genuinely am not trying to make something happen. i am just doing what is before me. and finally, finally, finally I have some pretty juicy stuff before me. and i am in a position to engage with a light heart, loving intentions, and no attachment to the outcome. do the work for the joy of the work, and leave the unfolding to life itself.  I credit Eric Klein’s Gita to bringing that sense into my receiving and giving.

that was a year ago right about now, i was copyediting Eric’s 40 day exploration of the Gita. I had just found out about a betrayal in my extended family. it was actually quite the clusterfuck. The Gita study during that time, a couple of hours per day, was such a blessing. Everyone should be so lucky as to be studying sacred texts during difficult times. Leading up to that help on the Gita I was trying to get Eric to do a program on slowing down. here, a year later, i just put up a course. i’m pretty happy about that. and now, i have to engage with the areas of discomfort. But, because I feel purpose, and because I feel engaged in what I feel is most important in life, I’m not worried about it. and that is a weird and wonderful new feeling.

what happens when we break free?

Over the past 6 months I’ve been faced with my own identities, just how many automatic identities I had and barely notice, each with all kinds of special conditions and ways of receiving and expressing information. Many of them i don’t particularly like. Some I’ve been able to step away from. some are still curling around my ankle as I try to pull it away…

Right now I’m in a particularly sweet spot, perhaps the counterbalance to May’s more tumultuous days, and facing them fully. Perhaps the very nicest part is not needing it to stay this way, or for this to produce some other result. I finally can give myself a break from striving.

it’s like we are on a plane going from new york to LA. Humanity is evolving, and our evolution is sure. I can say this because all of life evolves. Naturally. It’s just becoming and retreat, becoming and retreat (retreat is not the optimal word, but the right one eludes me and this gets the point across).

So, lately I’ve been approaching life as if we are on the plane. The journey is in process and the destination is sure. Now let us look at how we are spending the flight. Is this a pleasant journey? An anxious one? What do we want it to be? There are some people over there trying to get everyone to chant to get us there faster, and that might work, but it’s not necessary. by all means raise your voice in song, but for the joy of it – not to effectuate change…

As I can recognize some of my subconscious identities and detach from them, and detach from the stress of trying to live up to my potential or any other to do list, I can start to taste freedom. And freedom is sweet. Freedom is expansive. Freedom is exciting.

Now that I am fully accepting the notion that the end is sure, i’m not in a hurry any more. which is great, given how far down the ‘slowing down’ rabbit hole i’ve travelled. this lack of hurry, this actual feeling of trust, immediately followed by curiosity has replaced the feelings of ‘how on earth am i going to make this happen’ and fear that it might not.

Huge trade up.

who gets your time, attention and money?

When i first went to Tai Chi, my teacher talked about my movement leaking energy from basically everywhere.

I think most of us are doing that in a variety of ways, but very impactfully in the realm of economics. Most of us have values we prefer, and it is just lucky happenstance if a few of the multinational corporations capturing our credit card numbers might– at one point or another in the life cycle and supply chain of whatever it is I am purchasing– not be completely evil.

I used to give a talk at high schools that raising money for the rainforest wouldn’t be necessary if our purses weren’t full of environmentally-destructively produced makeup. There’s not much transparency, though, so how is a person to know?

I believe we’re entering an era of paying closer attention to our expression and sphere of influence. We have more responsibility to do so now than ever before, and I believe technology is bound to develop a quick, intuitive solution that will render the cloak of secrecy and exploitation useless, as iphone did to those dreadful flip phones.

I don’t know the pace of change. It’s never as fast or slow as I expect. Always a surprise. And so, in the planning, it is best to get joy from the planning without expectation that it will *actually* be the way things turn out. Plan for the best and accept better still. Or worse still. Or what comes. The treat there is knowing that whatever comes, good, bad or in between, it is both illusory and temporary as well. And still you will be, at the end of the day, a unique expression of life itself noticing itself. And tomorrow may be better. Or worse. It matters not. Experience at all is the miracle here. And any observation of Life Itself shows that cycles are in constant rotation.

I’m not sure why we have to repeat lessons, over and over. Sometimes it’s because we’re missing the point. Sometimes it might be because we’re finally unwinding something. Sometimes I think it might be to see when we can approach the lesson with a calm heart and curious openness. And sometimes, we go into a situation with a calm heart and curious openness and then the energy storm hits and we lose it. In seconds. Dang. But, at least we know where to go back to when the storm is over. Maybe next time it will take minutes. That would be a quantum improvement, even though the improvement my brain would like to see is utter completeness and never having to think about it (whatever it was) again. Yeah, my brain rarely gets what it wants, but my life almost unquestionably gets what will most naturally evolve it.

And evolution is what I am after!

life is funny

I haven’t written in a while, although I’ve been writing quite a bit. life is full of paradox.

what is most interesting to me today is that we are all such a hodgepodge of good intentions and questionable execution, yet often those with questionable intentions have good execution. Why do you suppose that might be?!

I posted my first course on Udemy. It’s called, “Slowing Down: What it Means, Why it’s Good, and How to Do It.” It’s about an hour and a half long, in 33 three-minute segments. It’s a start. It’s the very beginning, and it’s nice to have the beginning begun.

Where things go from here will be fascinating. I am happy to say that I feel as surrendered as I’ve ever felt, and every deep mindful breath helps me be even moreso. Surrendered to Life Itself as It moves through me. and is me. and looks at itself with these eyes.

That is some exciting shit. Hate to be profane, but there it is.

I am dedicated to evolving. it’s what gets my attention. right now i’m delighting in the idea that evolving is shifting the focus from the “self” as the collection of moments and memories where life is building the self over time, to the perspective of the oak tree within the acorn. The acorn breaks open and begins building the oak tree *out of thin air*

I used to think that the acorn used nutrients and built the stem that started up through the dirt, but that’s not the case at all.  The water and nutrients extracted from the soil make up only a tiny portion of that seedling. That seedling is expanding from within the seed and growing. Miraculously. just like the rest of us. I want to find a good link here. i wish i could remember where i first read/saw this.


I’m super excited because I feel whole. I feel like i have plumbed my depths and am willing to continue if the need arises. I’m not afraid of the fragments – fragments are an opportunity to integrate. I’m not trying to avoid anything or achieve anything. i’m breathing. smiling. breathing. listening to my body, moving according to the magical confluence of how I feel, what is needed, who is available and what’s in this moment. Bringing our best selves to the present moment.

this requires being in touch with our best selves. the part of us that has been learning from all of our mistakes and circumstances. The part that shows up on behalf of others we love when our advocacy can make a difference for them. That fullness of presence is an energy field and the more we visit it, the further we can expand into it and start bringing it off the meditation cushion and into the day. We can address this wisest part of ourselves every time we have a curiosity of judgement. It’s there. In us. Just waiting for us to ask.

Thomas Hubl was talking about our bodies our not as old as the time we’ve been on earth. our bodies are hundreds of thousands of years old. Your body has so much programming you cannot even begin to understand. There is so much going on and unfolding naturally that our conscious brains rarely can acknowledge it lest we believe life is totally outside of our control.

Life is definitely outside of our control. But it is the foundation of our creativity. Big difference. Important distinction, but I am out of time. Hope to explore this more.