Monthly Archives: March 2018

see my truth

I was born. I came into a family that had all kinds of dynamics like every family does. I had this sense of who I was, but how it was interacting with the world was never quite in flow. I didn’t quite fit in with many people, but I was content enough in my own company and thoughts. As I look back, I think the “see my truth” bug caught me in high school and ramped up dramatically when my dad died. My way of relating began with a bit of a barrage of my non-conventional nature and then an assessment of your interest or disdain. That was the dynamic that led my relationships (to the mind at the time of this writing) and certainly my family interaction. See My Truth. Then, preferably, agree with me. It actually happens a lot, but when it doesn’t, boy doesn’t it.

Today I recognize the “See My Truth” pattern, and I can also see that time spent asking people to see your truth is time spent not paying attention to living in that truth.

The truth of our nature is this magificent expression of life which most of us barely understand at all, but we’re here and we’re doing our best, and it’s largely barraging us, but we’re trying to extract the lessons and ‘get it right.’

I’m not really into the meaning of life right now, and for the first time in my life I’m finally bored by trying to ‘get it right’. I’m much more interested simply in the expression of life. What is unfolding right now. and why. Contemplating the meaning can be fun or arduous, but really just life in this constant state of expression is pretty fascinating and can keep me busy endlessly.

So, I need to see my truth. That’s all. When I’m really paying attention to who I really am, my truth, my inner compass and physical state of being, I do not have the time or inclination to worry about whether you’re seeing it to. Of course you’re not. Hopefully you’re seeing your own, or feeling it out at least.


two simple words

One of my favorite people in the world, the kind of person who can impersonate you to your face and you laugh, once told me that you can say anything about someone and it’s ok as long as you end with “Bless their heart.” He’s a funny guy. But that’s three words, so it’s clearly not the subject of this post.

For me, the key words are “for me.” This movie is not for me. It can be for you, and that’s fine, but it is decisively not For Me. In my experience, this moves the assessment of the movie away from judgment of others and squarely into knowledge of self.

I’m going through something right now in my family that is simply not “for me.” I’ve even been super clear about recognizing that what is “for me” is not necessarily for anyone else. Everyone should do what is “for them.” Right?

It doesn’t matter if I’m right. I mean, if you line up the facts and evaluate them objectively you are going to come to a conclusion that is right for you. It’s kindof how we navigate this world. In my family, facts lost standing long before Mr. Trump popularized willfully ignoring them. My birth family is extremely focused on feeling good. As you can imagine, sometimes that conflicts with facing facts. And in that equation, facts are the first to go when feeling good is the goal.

Luckily, feeling good is not a goal for me. It is the natural result of honoring the deepest truths about myself. And as I focus my attention on aligning to my internal compass whether it’s about the choice between a pretzel bun and foccaccia, or between Trump and Reason, or between taking medicine or declining it, focusing my attention on this alignment as really my only goal – well, frankly, it’s the primary source of my sanity and my joy. Both of which continue to increase (along with my health and ability to literally feel good) as I align to my own personal compass, rendering other people’s assessments of me of very little interest.

I read recently, if you’re doing this work and your social circle isn’t shrinking, you’re not doing it right. I have had a truly surprising exodus this year. And I am fully ok with that. What is amazing to me is that last year on my birthday, I wrote notes to the many of most important people in my life trying to describe what I appreciate and enjoy about them and thanking them for their role in my life. Now I wonder if some prescient part of me wrote those letters as a kind of goodbye.

Because asking me to behave in ways different than my internal compass directs me is such an obvious “no, thank you” to me, how could I make any other choice? And asking me to apologize for having a voice, well, I’m not going to apologize for that. I’ve apologized for all kinds of other things (manner or timing of said voice, for example). And asking me to forget or ignore the facts simply isn’t part of my nature. That’s going to make me unappealing to a whole slew of people, that and maybe my tone of voice or my certainty of attitude or various other annoying traits of this being that I am. Ok. I can live with that. Because being in the present moment, being curious about the facts and my triggers and what is really happening, and aligning to Life Itself moving through us and evolution – this is how I spend my time. This is far more valuable to me than being supportive and patting someone’s hand as they overdose.

I know myself. It’s actually quite an amazing thing to say, and to feel. I haven’t felt it for long. It’s been this slow (very slow!) process of listening for my cues and feeling in my body and noticing what really makes me light up or shut down. All of these practices I’ve been relentlessly practicing for a number of years have actually pointed me into the heart of my own being and it is a place I feel so overjoyed to be. Stepping out of that to make someone else comfortable? Oh, dear. I have plenty of things I’d be happy to do to make you comfortable, but that one is non-negotiable.

And I am so grateful.



some people have jobs

Not me. My time is focused on awakening practices. That’s what I do with my time. I’m reading and watching and sitting and moving toward awakening-oriented everything. How lucky am I? I feel pretty lucky. And all thanks to the incredibly safe and loving container Tucker created for me. Huge. And he supports this stuff. And he’s patient and kind and crazy talented. So, yes, waking up more to life with him in It? Sign me up.

I always thought, being spiritually-oriented, I would find myself with a guru. But one never came. And, I mean everything is our guru, but I thought a really cool old person being around whom lifted the knowing. I felt a little cheated.

Right now, I feel like I’ve got a dozen of them. All internet and impersonal, but expansive and beautiful. Those folks are:

Paul Selig and the I AM WORD books

Claire Zammit and Feminine Power

Craig Hamilton and Direct Awakening

Barbara Marx Hubbard and Awakening the New Species

OK, so 4 feels like a dozen. Or 5.

Thomas Hübl and Awakening in the Collective Space

This is what I love. This is who I am and want to align to and integrate humanity’s shift to love. Full-time.

It’s so much fun.

Granted, I don’t think of fun like your average bear. Parties, concerts, bars… these can be fun but are often work for me. I like to sit around and talk about consciousness. Always have. Sat in a lot of kitchens talking in high school. Those were my good times.

Other great programs have inspired me and set the rails for this direction, not the least of which is

Eric Klein and Wisdom Heart

Eric’s got some seriously beautiful programs. Seriously beautiful.

I know there are more. I know I’ve filled a page in my journal. Holy Shit.

Gene Golden and Tai Chi.

He is a Holy Shit kind of living master. Live and in Person. We feel incredibly lucky – huge boon – to be studying under him. Like, crazy-so.  I need to practice so. much. more. Good thing I’m in this ‘slowing down’ parade. Other notable practices/people I’m lucky enough to be basking in:

Tracey Stewart and Bodytalk


So, I’m going to “Becoming Who I Truly Am”and “Living in Harmony with Earth and her Evolution” school and these are my teachers and this is my process. I want to be the best version of myself. And I trust the Divine Mother/Life Itself is the source of that version, not my mental idea of myself. I want to contribute to a world with reverence for all life, equality and curiosity, equitable, sustainable living, teaching kids the best of ourselves (how to use their bodies, and at the very least, not undermine the natural strength and flow of the body with sitting for hours and heavy bookbags, but I digress).

I don’t know if writing about this stuff/talking about this stuff could ever be helpful to anyone. I don’t know. That’s not my business. My business is the expressing of these wonderful ideas I’m learning about and experiencing and developing. Ideas that talk about the most loving expression as individuals and as a species. How to go deep, not be afraid of discomfort but be ever-evolving. Yeah. That’s my defacto job of the last many years. But, I’m feeling traction. I’m feeling closer to who I truly am than I ever have. This was a far potentiality when I first signed up for “what’s calling you” with Wisdom Heart five years ago. And even then I’d been working on this stuff for a decade. So, yeah. It’s my job and I’m getting pretty good at it.

Do what makes your heart sing because that is her song. her play. her lila.

So, here’s my story

I am a human person on planet earth at this very interesting time in her evolution – the way life is moving through her. I have a family and a series of stories and all sorts of ego-identification, but my goal and my process is evolution (becoming something new) and enlightenment (being an instrument of light). I believe in tremendous loving power which is the power of creation, and I believe that power is within All Life. All of it. Even the stuff I turn away from. And I believe recognition of God or Life In Everything is a whole different paradigm than the us/them we’ve been doing for a long time. and which may have been appropriate when the globe wasn’t known, when frontiers and places to conquer might have gone on forever. It didn’t. This little earth cell is a system and now we roughly know the geography of it. Time to operate as a living system.

So, in aspiring to my ego self being the instrument of life moving through me, not as circumstances I find myself in (though not outside of that, either), but really, what tones and vibrations am I living in/cultivating/emanating? When things go south it’s because i’m trying to reconcile the ego identities, the quality of the flute, and it’s playing sour notes. Sour notes are a cue to release more. Junk’s getting caught in the instrument. Address that. Let it help polish the instrument to ever-finer tuning to Life Itself Flowing Through and the enormous privilege of getting the hell out of the way. Literally.

When you face the light, the shadow falls behind you.

And when you know the light, the shadow isn’t so scary anymore. And perhaps you can look at the shadow with curiosity because of the safety of knowing the Truth of the Light, and knowing how to turn again, always, to the light. Being in the light is the practice.

I hated meditation and didn’t want to do it. i hated it when people told me it was the only way. and i was sure if i did enough stuff, i could grow spiritually without that pesky meditation requirement. and i have. i have so many practices. I love them all, I really do. and of course, they’ve led me into the deep importance of meditation. I have 200 ways of getting in moments of stillness in my day, and I love the cue:practice relationship I’ve been developing over probably the last 5 years. But time on the cushion? It feeds everything.

So this writing is taking the shape of wanting to share and readdress and integrate the many wonderful things I am learning that have been enormously beneficial and keep me on this path of evolving in a very focused and chosen way, towards Life Itself, the person I am and whatever contribution I may have the privilege of contributing.

Not sure what that is, entirely. But that’s ok. Because of the poem. The poem that started this writing (in my mind). Stop with the grandiose. Sit quietly with your open heart and hands ..

Clearing ~ Martha Postlewaite
Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life
and wait there patiently,
until the song that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know how to give yourself
to this world
so worthy of rescue.

I feel like this is the journey I’m on, and as I’ve been sitting – because the sitting isn’t for “waiting for it to happen” the sitting is listening for it, prioritizing the space for it to be.

Today, right now, I feel the song that is my life more intimately than ever before. There has been a lot of clearing, and alot of sitting. And it’s coming. I don’t know entirely what it is, but I feel connected. Not sure, but i feel like i’m in the ‘sound check’ portion of our show.

Evolutionary Code 1

I’ve been promising to share some of the beautiful things I’ve been lucky enough to encounter in hopes that they might sing to you as well.
The Barbara Marx Hubbard program is about birthing the new species “Homo Amore Universialis”, individually and collectively, towards ever more love, freedom and complexity (harmonious complexity; fractals. And it needs to be both, individual and collective. We can’t become ourselves by ourselves).
She’s broken this into “52 evolutionary codes”, the first of which is: Put This Purpose First
Separately (and in a great program on collective awakening I’ll also write about) Thomas Hubl talks about 3 ways to enlightenment. One is deep trauma, One is spiritual lottery, the other is Putting it First.
We cannot help but evolve. Life evolves. That’s what it does, what we do. All of life is evolving, growing, changing. Putting Love First, we purposefully evolve towards the Divine, holding that light even as we stumble, and the way is sure. It is nature. We are in the center of Her care. Knowing this, we can meet our challenges with curiosity, with knowing it is the application of Her love through us that is called for in some new permutation.
As I’m contending with the many stories plopped in my lap, remembering evolution is my top priority is guiding my actions/perspective and I am grateful.
So I thought I’d share.

I learned some things today

That’s my goal, right? Be ever-learning. Ever-evolving.

Some days are better than others.

Today is a quantum day. Huge. Tiny, really, But, tiny in the grandest way.

I stand incorrectly. Twenty-some years of yoga, nearly fifty of living, and the way my body balances on my feet has not been in balance. i’ve known this. I’ve gone to many people to try to correct it, to come to understand what it is I’m doing wrong. Today, a key piece fell into place. Restoring the eight harmonies (the joints in relation to each other) is a priority to me. I’ve been out of harmony. It’s been clear. And “trying” to “fix” it a thousand ways. Really, really trying. And so this slowing down thing has been helping me to just show up, be present, don’t be attached to the outcome, do the work. And today I learned that I have been showing up in a collapsing posture (my birth family would disagree, i’m sure). The body has lines of power. It’s how we evolved, are evolving. being in sync with/relaxing into those lines of power brings enormous energy to the body. I’ve been cutting off energy. Clumsily leaking it like a sieve. i’ve been aware of it and trying to stop it, but it’s slow-going. But today, learning balanced stance, all those years of attention all signaled at once “Yes! This is it! Finally!”

How cool is that?

Especially for a girl who people called, “smash” at Meadow Brook Music Festival in 1980something. I’ve not been a graceful girl, despite my best efforts.

That change is beginning. I’m so glad I’m on this road.

Speaking of roads I’m on, I have a little story. Just before I was born, my parents sat my 4 siblings down to tell them they were going to have a little sister named “Libby.” “Oh, No!” they cried, “Libby’s Libby’s Libby’s on the Label Label Label! No! No! No!” Vegetables. Who wants those around? So my parents relented and they agreed on “Lisa.”

I’ve never really enjoyed being named Lisa. It hasn’t bothered me too much. Growing up I thought Libby would have been a more fun name. All my sisters had nice names with good nicknames. But it wasn’t a focal point, and not a name I particularly identify with. Libby isn’t either. Oddly enough, the name I feel most called to is “Lila” which my sister Tracey calls me (though she spells it “Leela”) which in sanskrit means “(divine) play”. Yes, I would like to be, I am, the universe playing.

So that’s a little story about my name, here in this journey of releasing identity.

I really am enjoying this journey of releasing identity. It’s not denying identity or trying to reverse it or turn it into something more acceptable – previous pastimes, all. I feel remarkably privileged to be learning from people like Claire Zammit, Thomas Hübl, Barbara Marx Hubbard, and Paul Selig. This focus on awakening, as an individual and as a species – because we can’t do it *just* as individuals, it must be both simultaneiously, and as we reach to get our collective evolutionary eyes we want to incorporate the most simple, beautiful truths. Like how to stand in your own energy in these brilliant bodies that are already awake and desperately trying to get our attention…

So, I am so excited about what I learned today. It’s actionable, it feels right. It’s another gift of “slowing down” really getting into stillness. but not in a collapsed, resigned way. in a relaxed, powerful way. Our bodies know how to do that naturally! I had no idea! I don’t have to teach it a single thing. I just need to get out of the way, stop these debilitating habits, notice the cues and act on aligning/relaxing.