Monthly Archives: February 2018

Sometimes I blow up

It has taken a long time to go from the more fiery personality I was to the more equanimity-oriented personality I’m working through now. I don’t miss it. Not one bit. The explosive dynamic is not appealing to me. I spent most of my life trying to validate myself or protect myself from being invalidated. I was working on the premise that I was hoping, trying, praying to be worthy, and I was trying to be worthy, and I was pretty sure I should be worthy, but without the approval and validation of key archetypes in my life, it wasn’t in the bag. And that was incredibly hard, because that approval and validation was slippery and not reliable and I was desperate for it and interpreting everything that didn’t feel like approval as pure threat.

Marrying Tucker was amazing because I feel so completely loved and supported all the time. It’s remarkable and it’s freed me to rest in a place of pure love and work out from there. Really, I never could’ve imagined feeling as consistently loved as I do with Tucker, and so he, clearly, is the most enormous blessing – and he taught me to bring this same sensibility into parenting, which tempered me in the most beautiful way (without his influence, I couldn’t be the person I am, and as the person I am is so much less stressed and anxious and wanting things to go a certain way, I am forever grateful.

And yet I have my moments. And often they come after a certain amount of “letting things slide” and not using my voice, so it stores and comes out at once. Ten or twenty years ago (I can’t believe I can say that, and yet, here we are) it would’ve come out pretty venomous, entitled and angry. Today, it came out probably pretty angry, but mostly just saying “enough” and giving the reasons why it’s enough, and how I’m feeling and how I’d like to be treated. I’m grateful to be learning.

And, of course, present moment awareness doesn’t cling to old identities. Doesn’t assume I’m going to behave the way I used to behave. I mean, there are a lot of habits and thus are easy to fall into. But present moment awareness is asking what’s possible in THIS moment, and knows how to tend to mishaps and errors and isn’t so hell-bent on scheduling the whole universe. ¬†Present moment awareness lets me feel curious. Habitual awareness always had me looking to apply “me” to whatever was going on… what do I know about this, how would “I” react, what’s my sense of justice that is being infringed upon? But these questions weren’t inquiries so much as split-second assessments so I could act and triumph. Yeah, triumph. that was a trip.

I wanted some grand triumph. All the time. Finally, my aspirations are far more humble.

Being awake in the present moment. Wouldn’t that be a triumph?

Becoming the self I want to be

I have no idea what I want to be. Finally. I’ve been trying to figure out who I am supposed to become, or who I *was* supposed to become. Right now, I just want to live in the awakening. Live in going slower, listening more, witnessing the unfolding in all its fascination. I want to be an instrument Life Itself plays. Playfully, yet calmly; expressing love in new ways. I feel presence, even though I’m not consistent. I want to be consistent. I want to choose love every time.

I am a practitioner of presence. I’m in my baby stages, but it has started to take hold. I’m blessed with exceptional teachers and beings who remind me of the truth and demonstrate practices that teach you how to receive your whole life as your teacher, and walk the path with the thought that the universe is friendly, it is Life Itself Unfolding, of which we are a part and have both no control and infinite control. There was a better way to write that, but this is unedited.

Eric Klein talked about the spiritual “red carpet” with waving to paparazzi and lights flashing as you get in the enlightenment limo. You’ve arrived. All Hail You.

Yeah, that’s not it. Not for me at least. I gotta admit I probably held that image before I heard Eric talk, and I am super glad he brought it into my awareness. God is in a manger.

But the more I learn about spirituality, the more i learn about individuality and that what works for one is different for another. Like the Dunstan Baby Method. 5 sounds to start, but after that, infinite variety. Buddha said it: “This cannot be taught.”

And so what are we to do? Ply ourselves with teachers, movements, activities that uplift our consciousness, open us up to the full experience of the present moment, inspire us to share.

I am inspired to share. Especially since the Thomas Hubl “if you’re receiving wisdom from the stream and not letting it move through you, you’re not really experiencing the fullness of it” (more of a paraphrase than a quote, sorry). I want to experience the fullness of it by expressing it. These thousand little signals I give myself per day to slow down, relax tension in my body. And there is ALWAYS tension in my body. For no reason. Just some weird tension I’m holding unconsciously. Makes me crazy. But makes me glad for remembering to release it. Which makes me feel good. Which helps me remember.

I want to express this because I want to keep it alive in my day and in my life in ever-increasing ways. Talking about it reminds me to do it. Doing it keeps me honest. And it’s the practices, for me, right now. The practices of slowness, breathing, tai chi, listening. It’s not my default setting. I want it to be. And this is how I’m going about it. And it’s working and I am entirely grateful

Every choice for love

Today I was taking myself down a little fear path, and I recognized it and shook it off. That was  a big deal for me, and I mentally chalked it up to a choice for love with a little bit of pride and a whole lot of gratitude. And then my mind took me on this little walk. Every choice for love eliminates the need for another incarnation.

What an interesting idea! All these people running around talking about not wanting to come back… OK, try this! Every time you choose love, you save yourself an incarnation. Talk about incentive!

And the incarnated master is always. choosing. love. Always. No need for more incarnations to repair choices not made in love.

So, that was a nice thought. A nice ride. A nice thing to think about and write about. A practical pathway.

Speaking of which, I had an excellent experience last night, and while I haven’t tested it again because I haven’t needed to, I was stuffed up and didn’t think I’d be able to sleep. I decided to lie on my back and breathe just the bit that could – it wasn’t much, probably less than 25% capacity. So it was slow breathing. And it was a kind of meditative pace I can’t imagine I could do that slowly any other time. So, I leaned into it and let it set the pace. 10 minutes later, the stuffiness was gone. I am certainly going to try that again.

So, this is a short one, because I’ve got an obligation, but it’s a jam-packed one in terms of neat experiences I can chronicle for

Waking Up Indeed

That didn’t stick. But I’m back, and I’ll keep coming back, just like i keep quitting smoking. and hopefully eventually it’ll be consistent. Like mantra. Mantra is now consistent. When I experience distress of any kind I can feel myself looking for something, and as soon as I feel it, I’ve trained myself, “mantra!” and boy, is that soothing. Jesus suggested prayer without ceasing, and that, of course is the best way to go.

So, I am back. I haven’t looked back at what this blog holds, and it’s long enough ago that I don’t remember. But, I do remember 20 minutes, unedited, sharing my process.

My process has been busy. The Cope’s are in town, and that is exciting, but it seems I’ve been particularly busy since 2018 began. And, of course, as someone who is electing the advocacy of “slowing down” as a lifestyle, it is very interesting to at least try to bring that sensibility of slowness to the activities one must meet. As with all of life, it’s met with varying degrees of success and failure, but I can unequivocally say that slowing down is better than sliced bread. And here, a decade or so into this journey, I’ve gained the ability to really see the effort/payoff relationship. this turns everything on its head. while it is an effort to slow down – which is funny – the effort to stop efforting, the payoff is absolutely delicious! When you’re not fighting life, it unfolds. And that’s what it’s doing, unfolding.

Right now, with our friends in town, sadly the house has been full of sickies, and that’s just such a damned shame. But it is what it is, right? We play the hand we’re dealt, knowing this hand will end and another will be dealt and this ongoing process is the function of a universe that is moving ever-expansive into more freedom, love, creativity. And so we breathe.

I’m excited about geting back to this because it is SO IMPORTANT that I am talking, writing, thinking about slowing down. I had a lifetime of defaulting to action. And I don’t want illness to be teaching me – I want to be a good student and learn my lesson well and not need the ruler slap to keep me in line. but i’m not, i’m a crummy and forgetful student who has all sorts of tools and sometimes doesn’t implement them… But it’s been alive in my days (funny story about my dad, Toastmasters and the christmas party) and I want this process to be alive in my days, too. in service to my purpose.

My purpose: Evolving. Life breathing through my person. Being an instrument of love, care and WHOLENESS. My strategy: slow down, listen, be.