I’m not proud of these last couple of months, struggling to find a job… it didn’t start out as struggling, it just started out as scary change whose time had come. A month of rejection brought it into struggling, reaching an apex this week in my willingness to do anything and being ghosted by a job i probably shouldn’t have been willing to do anyway.
Today a friend asked, “what does your gut say” and I had to admit, even doing body fulness practices every day, i have not been listening to my gut. My gut is not worried at all. When i check in with my body there is crazy amounts of stress in my head, but only a latent energy in my gut. My gut is not worried. My gut is a little curious, but mostly just focused on its own wholeness, the wholeness of my body and the interconnectedness of all things.
Which is why I’ve been ignoring it.
Because that shit is great, but as my net worth declines, my mental malcontent rises and begins working to solve the problem. and the problem is not cooperating. the problem that my body is not concerned about but my mind is getting increasingly freaked out about. And therefore, increasingly ignoring the body – in fact, being a little annoyed that the body isn’t more on the bus of this very obvious problem.
that should have been my first clue.
i wrote a post on FB once, “I’m not enlightened, but I’ve tasted it and I know you don’t need anyone else to change.” and then doing the bodyfulness practice, I’ve recognized that when I am grounded in my body, I deeply want everything to be in that place of connection. I do NOT want things to put some outer priority ahead of that space. I want, for myself and others, that connectedness to come first.
I’ve not been living that way. Or at the very least not in relationship to employment or financial wellness. For that, I feel it perfectly reasonable to allow my head to be in charge. Spectacular mistake.
I am not at my best, this much is certain. I’m allowing the world’s responses to me to be the barometer of my value. I thought I knew better.
And this is why I am so grateful for the practice. As Eric Klein taught me, it’s about building the muscle to come back to center. Straying is not the problem, straying is the cue. And, yes, i wish i could’ve gone through these months with less stress and confusion and sadness. that would’ve been nice. But, just like I’ve counseled dozens of people, when you think you know something, the universe says, “marvelous, dear; show me”
and i immediately panicked, as if i hadn’t been practicing three times per day for months and months.
so, while i had tried to make September “destiny is inevitable” month – taking away the power of anyone else or anything else – even my own failure – to stop the flow of life itself and the natural unfolding of my own entelechy. I allowed my insecurity to move me into ever lamer versions of trying to fix. So, today, I’m going to try to allow my insecurity to move me into greater curiosity, then find it in my body and relax it, no matter how badly I want to use all of the evidence that I am hopeless to panic my being. I’ve just been ghosted by a jock strip mall manager. The comedy alone should validate a day off from the sad, scary story my mind is making so real.