every trigger, an opportunity

I spend a lot of time working on integrating unintegrated emotions. I spend an inordinate amount of time reading, practicing, meditating, surrendering. I spend a decent amount of time reframing our abysmal political climate and human rights abuses as opportunities to witness and bless our world, and to use it as a pointer to look within and untangle the knots where our wounding hides, to bravely face and be present to it so that we may model bravery and presence in the world.

Then, this guy owes me $1500 and won’t pay me, even though he keeps saying he will.

Anger seeps into my meditation. This isn’t meditation! Injustice preoccupies my mind, I keep reading the same paragraph. I feel the electric tension in my body and breathe, acknowledging it and inviting it down into my pelvic bowl for integration. I feel better for a few minutes, then something triggers me again.

I’m annoyed, I really am. I’m also figuring this is an opportunity to process the feeling of obvious injustice and powerlessness to effect change I’ve known since I was sleeping in a crib. If I can integrate my myopic sense of victimization and powerlessness, I might be able to muster up the courage to advocate for the millions of individuals oppressed by far mightier oppressors with far less resources. Even my victimization reflects privilege.

So, I apply another process, spend a few breaths relaxing, maybe deal with the next round with a little less anger in my stomach, anxiety in my chest. I’m glad I can distract myself with healing modalities because the mental chew toy of what i should do and what he might say or who should do what just riles me up and that is just about my least favorite feeling these days.

I used to like feeling riled up. The Sicilian in me likes getting creative about retribution. I have found that when I land upon the most over-the-top, they’ll-wish-they-hadn’t Sicilian solution, the sheer humor of it usually releases more pressure than even the most successful meditation. Actually, I’d say finally getting to the funny is what allows me to have my next successful meditation.

Is that how I should be applying my creativity?

It’s actually kinda appropriate. Now if i can only employ it on behalf of all of life. Even the oppressors. That’s the missing element in the habits of my thinking – that trickster magic that frees both the prisoner and the imprisoner.

I do notice the triggers aren’t as captivating as they used to be, my body isn’t as agitated, and I suppose that’s progress. Still, the distance between who I am and who I sure would like to become continues to show itself…

i’m exhausted

I’m not sure how much I’ve written, though I know I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been in bed. My knees have been such that moving was mostly intolerable, and so i spent most of my time reading and meditating and soaking up movies. I feel obliged to say ‘fewer movies than you’d think’ but even thinking about that shows an essential element of my disease – something my friend recently pointed out. Oh, there’s an idea. I’ve had 3 extremely insightful snapshots come my way recently, and this post is now about them.

The first is from The Chorus who imparted, among other things: my desire to be of service has become overgrown, more than the capacity of the body, and as I increase that desire I’ve been exacerbating the physical problem. That hit home. I can feel the simple desire to be of service had become a desperate panic to figure out how and not getting it and becoming ever more desperate. Nice to be shown. Awareness is the healing agent.

The Chorus had another great gift (many, really, but a 2nd key for here now) which was by inviting my pain, I have been ‘othering’ it. There was ‘me’ the right-thinking-individual and pain, the problem. I am a conscious organism experiencing the life that is unfolding through me right now. What else could I be? I guess in my own mind, I’ve been the great puzzle-solving brain trying to make sense of this whole thing. What a rough road that’s been. The Chorus’ overall advice? Relax, relax, relax. Genius.

Next was my BodyTalk session that discussed active memories woven into ropes and further into nets – – these grievances and remembrances and builders of identity. He extracted the net, and I’m grateful, and it just all jibes so well with Selig’s Guides and identity. I also loved that session because he told me whatever I’ve been doing (medically) has been really helping, that i should be far sicker than I am for the aggressiveness of the disease, and keep it up. Tough to hear whilst laying in bed, but also reassuring. Tough to hear whilst contemplating allopathic treatment, but also reminding me to include and expand, not exclude and replace. Yes, this particular snapshot has brought me many facets, including pride and shame. Thankfully, within a context of love, unity and wholeness.

Finally, my friend Sherwood did a card spread for me and distilled the clarity of how deeply i internalize disapproval, how quickly i am willing to let another opinion make me wrong and regroup or at least think i need to. How much what you might think of me influences how i think o f myself (see first paragraph). Yikes, that’s true. It’s funny because it’s not the persona I discuss about myself (I have a beautifully polished “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me” persona that I’ve found very convincing, personally) but i can feel the pain of the little stuck one taking all of those opinions in…

So, it’s been a lot of insight. It’s also been a lot of pain. and not a lot of motion. and a little bit of a “wow, i don’t think my life can get any tinier” (in terms of interaction with the world beyond my housemates and favorite books). Then, on sunday (today is thursday) it became a lot of drugs. Not that many (.. look! rationalizing again…back to my first paragraph… haven’t I grown at all yet?) I actually don’t even know how much. steroids and morphine. and now i can walk with just minimal support and minimal discomfort. i almost feel i need to retrain myself back into action because 1) i still don’t want to walk. it’s not a lot of discomfort, but it is some. and it is slow. and i can’t exactly stand erect and look like a normal person. and 2) I have no idea what to do. I’ve minimized my obligations so completely, I don’t have anything that ‘needs’ to get done and I have no energy even to reach out to the many people I’d really love to reach out to. Even the Qi Gong program I am so freaking excited about? and the new arm range of motion the steroids have afforded me – I’ve got no energy to actually do it.

and now I’ve got no battery.

i’m excited to know how this no energy thing resolves

and now that I have to admit I am out of my depths with my personal ability to manage my health, I’ll be adding doctor’s appointments to that list.

you gotta start somewhere. and it’s ok to start small. (she writes, begrudgingly, secretly wishing the steroids also came with a fully operational ‘have an awesome impact on the hearts of those who could use your help in and around your community’ business plan and guide book)

New Eras

This Christmas our family entered a new era… our youngest turned 13 and there were remarkably fewer LEGOs strewn about the house all holiday season long. I hadn’t really realized what a big part LEGO had played in our holidays until I had clean floors from Christmas til New Years. Bittersweet? Maybe a little. I enjoyed our children’s childhoods (so, so much) but I’ve got to admit, I’m enjoying their development into young adults every bit as much. Plus: clear floors.

Clear floors is a big deal, getting bigger by the day for me.

Hi. My name is Lisa and I am increasingly dependent.

I spent my life striving to become independent. Not needing anyone was important to me. I enjoyed *enjoying* people, but I didn’t want to need them. I don’t think I was alone in this misguided aspiration, but I was definitely seriously afflicted.

Now, I’m seriously afflicted by arthritis and <insert mystery illnesses here>. Lately I can’t really walk. I’m dependent and I’m scared and I don’t like it one bit. At least not yet.

Over these years, this disease has taught me a lot. I’ve been able to receive my lot as a blessing in many, many ways. I still feel this way. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned and who I’ve become. It’s just that some part of me thought that if i had a good attitude towards the disease it would go away. it hasn’t.

In fact, it seems to be getting worse. I’ve not re-read much, but i imagine there’s a pattern in these posts that I’m sicker in winter and more capable in summer. Maybe not. I don’t look back much, and perhaps I should start, but the present moment is so interesting it’s hard to pull my attention away. This week, though, has been especially rough and I may have even exhausted my rosy outlook.

I’m not sure if I’m being swept away by guilt (my husband has far too much responsibility in this partnership) or shame (despite visibly deformity, I still often think I am a hypochondriac and that this illness is my fault, a result of things i’ve done wrong that are so intrinsic to me that I can’t even see – – and I’ve spent a decade going deep into unintegrated stuff, healing I am grateful for but which obviously isn’t enough – oh, and let’s not even get started on my professional gaffes). What I do know is that I don’t like being a burden and I am little other than that these days.

I believe in and trust in and surrender to Life Itself as having far greater synergy and order than my little human mind can comprehend. I willingly give myself to that higher intelligence and offer myself to play whatever role might be most helpful to the evolution of life in general and to creating a society that honors life in ALL. I really am down with that. I really don’t mind being still, feeling the world around me and spending hour after hour blessing or forgiving or shining light on everything that comes to mind. I feel incredibly fortunate to have time to read the many visionary teachers active on earth today and in times past.  What I hate is not being able to reach a glass 2 feet away from me.

This week we’ve been wheelchair shopping. Whats worst is my upper body doesn’t have the strength that i can even hope to wheel myself. More dependency. More pulling my husband away from doing all the things that keep the lights on, and the kids fed, and the dog walked, so he can put on my socks.

it’s humbling.

and it may only get worse. that’s daunting.

i’m sorry for this post. it’s just been a rough week and I perceive I do mostly posts about how good this journey has been for me, i thought was important to document the more emotionally challenging periods as well.

2020 Vision

I’m excited about the New Year. I’m even more excited about the new decade.

My vision for this adventure is all about conscious evolution. How present can I be to the old, unconscious habits I’ve developed over a lifetime that no longer serve me or my intentions? How can I renew and restore my daily activities so they clearly and decisively contribute to a world that works for everyone, that frees the human psyche (including but not limited to my own) from fear, and participates in nature as a humble and wondrous partner?

Breath by breath, I would say. Decision by decision. Noticing and noticing. Opening and opening.

It’s the journey of a lifetime, this path to conscious engagement in the present moment. I’m getting a trial by fire this month, in that I’ve realized (since a few months into Tai Chi) that the posture I always thought was so great is distributing weight through non-weight-bearing areas along with other problems. So these last few weeks (now starting Heaven and Earth Qi Gong) I have been challenged to be conscious of standing and literally taking each step in a whole new way, and boy has it sucked. I am telling myself that it is the relearning causing the pain and incapacity in my knees for example, but I’ve always been particularly skilled in rationalization. No matter: it is the stories we believe that dictate our emotional state, so mine will believe this is leading to something better, something more durable and reliable and relatable, something that will propel my ability to be of service.

2020 is just such a great year to be alive. No doubt it’s full of true insanity (already!) but I believe that is the counterbalance to the deep and lasting sanity that is taking hold in the hearts of millions. I believe the (r)evolution is upon us – towards a broader and more expansive understanding of community and diversity and gifts and giving, towards self-expression and mutual support. I see it everywhere, and the bounty of teachers demonstrating the simple (not necessarily easy) and expansive truth about the nature of who and what we are – it really is a privilege to be alive and a tremendous responsibility to calibrate and align to the emerging unity and the creative unfolding of a new way of life on this planet. To do the work when fear arises so that we can be with it without fear – so that we can be with it knowing that it has arisen so that it can be met with love, with compassion, with witnessing and with a fearlessness in which it is both welcome and able to dissolve.

I’ve been doing this work for a long time and I am humbled by how much I have yet to do. And yet, this itself is evolution. This itself demands I be more conscious more seconds of each day, developing the capacity to look where I have carefully constructed diversions and letting in some fresh air.

Wholeness means all of it, the exaltation of those moments of felt unity and the humility of the untended areas of my personal garden, and the intention and action to tend to them – gently and powerfully – for the love of  the garden, not the promise of its yield.

I believe this decade will be miraculous in many ways, and it is my intention to contribute to the actualization of love in action with every cell of my body, in service to All.

what infinite really means

This endlessness, the persistent unfolding of life itself onward ever present – its heady stuff. I’ve written before about coming to understand the word and concept of ‘infinite’ and it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve also written before about every time i start to feel a little mastery of something (i noticed this first around infant napping schedules), it lasted 5 seconds and a new phase began. I’ve felt my share of frustration around that, but it sings of the ever unfolding of life itself, so we’ll accept it as a positive thing.

i have spent a lot of time this past year practicing bodyfulness, on calls, as meditation, throughout the day… I’ve gotten pretty good at habitually drawing attention to the felt-sense with the key elements of not wanting to fix, change, or interpret what I feel (gets trickier) and trickier still, inviting whatever I feel to relax, but not because i need it to. That last part is especially hard during flare ups or any sustained high intensity pain, but if i can muster the *thought* I’m happy – if i can give 10 seconds of genuine practice, I’m really happy.

Today it came to me that I have to do it (invite whatever I feel, as it is, without wanting to fix, change, understand) while I am in motion.

That’s quite a bit harder, because it’s motion when the pain is most active for me.

And because i was really starting to get the hang of ‘in stillness’ it only makes sense that ‘and during action’ should come up.

The SLG umbrella for whatever I’ve been trying to put together is The Ministry of Stillness. It has the tagline of ‘and inspired action’ but i haven’t known how to work it in yet. Now, I’m getting the sense, is the time.

I’m starting this heaven and earth qi gong, and the instructor gives excellent cuing for a level of centered groundedness. Not all of it I can do. But, if, as I approach the parts of the form that are currently unavailable to me with this in mind – inviting (but not demanding) relaxation and feeling the discomforts of my edges gently yet fully, without wishing they would change.

Tough assignment! Shit hurts! But I’m psyched, because I feel like I have been training for exactly this for some time. and i’m even feeling the shame of having it take so long… feeling it and letting it pass, as I embrace the possibility of a whole new way of being in my body. Yeah, that’s exciting.

i think this moves from ‘every breath counts’ collecting intentional breaths throughout the day to ‘every breath of intentional physical centered, balanced roundedness counts” and hopefully drop my gravity into my feet in a way that they can shake the bad habits i developed and start to build a balanced and powerful way of being in the world.

how can I help?

The Christmas we spent in England, there was a series of television ads for a grocer with the tagline something like, ‘How can I help?” I’ve tried to google it with no luck, but this active inquiry to helping reminded me of what sets Disney and Ritz Carlton apart from other places with great customer service: Active Engagement in what the customer wants.

I’ve come to realize today (I’m having a flare up, so lots of time to think/process/do practices) that for the last couple of years I’ve been on a “unlearning the things you think help people, and just asking people what they need (and if they don’t know, then not thinking I’m clairvoyant or omniscient and deciding what they need… if they don’t know, let them know I’m available when they can articulate what they need. So unlike how I’ve done it (and thought it should be done) all my life. And liberating. And probably a lot more helpful.

Today I mentioned on a body fulness call that we all are part genius and part fool. We have areas of profound, experiential knowing and areas where we are such idiots, we don’t even know that category exists much less how wrong we are about it. The idiot parts reveal themselves during things like “The Presence Process” (have I mentioned I’m doing this? Fourth round, I think, but maybe 3rd)… Anyhow, through this process, I am seeing that I valued anticipating others’ needs and acting on them as a strategy for love as a kid, which was a fine and effective strategy but not a healthy way to interact with life or people as a general policy.

I got to be an excellent mind-reader for a few people, and then seemed to think I had it pretty figured out for everyone. I realized some time ago – I think even before the illness – that me trying to anticipate and act on needs people couldn’t even articulate was crazy pants. Way too much pressure. Maybe I could’ve done things like that as a kid with predictable household habits, but out in the real world it was a recipe for disaster and the textbook setup for miscommunication. So, at some point during our time in RI I quit cold turkey, with the general public at least. I did not assume I knew what was best for you. I’m happy to help, but you’re going to have to tell me what you’d like.

Intimate relationships was another story. Because, you know, I knew what was best for everybody I truly “knew” right? Well, I seem to have thought so. About 2 years ago I had a somewhat major expression on how thoroughly that is not the case (detailed here, I’m sure) and in the last week or two I’ve come to realize that if I maintain a sense that “I know what would work better” it’s an unfortunate way to live.

I’m extremely lucky. I’ve had a lot of choices pan out (although God knows I’ve had a lot of choices very much not pan out), and I’m married to an embodiment of prioritizing effort to high-impact areas. I squandered a lot of energy on “being helpful” to people who weren’t into it, or even if they were into it, weren’t ready for it; where ultimately the effort didn’t result in positive outcomes for me or the intended helpee.

Recently in a book I enjoyed, it talked about thinking you would do something differently if “x” happened to you… (as I write this, I think it was Byron Katie) and the lesson was coming to understand that we are literally all one: that person is handling “x” exactly how you would handle it if you had “x” happen and had been raised and had the same experiences as that person. It’s what we’re all doing. We’re all unique amalgamations of traits. And while if “x” happened to us, with our unique experiences, of course we wouldn’t do exactly what the other person would do – of course not, we draw from an entirely different experience well. but it doesn’t make one choice better than another, even if the results of one choice seem to provide the desired outcome more efficiently than the other choice. Like everything, the long-term results remain to be seen.

Thus: my new favorite phrase is “I’d like to support you. Please let me know how I can be supportive to you.”

It’s a tough question to answer in 21st century America. We’re supposed to be independent. We’re proudest when we don’t have to rely on anybody. (there was a whole bit earlier in this writing about trying to read people’s minds: there’s a whole passive aggressive archetype who thinks “it’s not worth anything if i had to ask for it’ and ‘someone who loves me should be able to ‘just know’ what I need” and those are very unproductive mindsets. Just wanted to make sure that gets pointed out in this essay). For some, it’s frowned upon to ask for things. Selfish. Bold. [ok, boomer!]

It’s wildly freeing (for everyone) when we can consider and articulate our needs. I’m excited to encourage this wonderful trait in all I meet and truly desire to support.

shame and guilt

I feel like shame and guilt are like a vaudeville act. they keep showing up in different guises with different riffs. They make themselves distracting and keep our attention through sheer constant material. Or at least they keep mine.

I’m reading a book called, “Coming to Wholeness” which is taking my bodyful practice to a whole new level. And the universe has continued to invite me to go just a little bit slower. and because of that combination, I am experiencing a deep appreciation this morning for having the time and attention to focus on Wholeness, Awareness, Unity and Life Itself.  And within minutes, in walk guilt and shame.

Really? I’m experiencing appreciation despite having a body wracked with a lack of ease (feeling just a little proud of myself maybe?) and Guilt and Shame waltz in?

Guilt: mostly that I haven’t pulled my financial weight in my marriage (despite the fact my husband gives me zero grief about this), and some guilt that I haven’t figured out how to be in relationship to the world in a way that is actually helpful (in short, that I don’t have a job, and I don’t know what to do next). That I’m not a more active parent/partner/daughter/friend…

Shame: well, i’m ashamed that I’m not healthy. if i were as emotiono-spiritually advanced as I’d like to be, my body would be light and easy and practically floating, not this haunted house of a body. Plus? if I am smart, why can’t i articulate it in a compelling way to share it? and I don’t do anything. people are running around like chickens with their heads cut off and I respond to email every couple of days. I am milking this not-wellness thing, perhaps to absurdity. I should be a better person. on every level.

I notice the guilt and shame and let it invalidate the good feelings about focusing attention on life itself (and the attending wholeness and feeling supported and adventure) and I start defending myself. Valid stuff. I believe peace and calm are a more valuable currency than green dollars, and I am consistently growing my portfolio. But, defending is participating in the drama, and Laurel and Hardy go back and forth on a loop.

Luckily, this lovely book and my lovely practices acknowledge the feeling and find it in the body and accept it entirely while inviting it to relax, open, release. It’s the ultimate diffuser.

I also had a really big step this week, having read “Leadership and Self-Deception” last week, I had an opportunity where someone was (justifiably, I’ll admit) trying to guilt and shame me, and I could see their underlying pain and sought to address it. I’m not sure how well I did, but it was a far cry better than my general MO (let them know I’m right as bitingly as necessary). That book talks about an inner, sudden realization and I definitely experienced exactly that about another relationship while reading. That the lesson would then peek its head in during an emotionally-loaded moment demonstrates its a bigger, transformative shift than just a “concept” I hope to “employ.” Another book for the “must read” list…

yes, even slower

I can’t remember the topic of my latest posts, and I should probably check, but i think i wrote of the struggle of ‘i’d be better if…’ and ‘if only i could align my thoughts i wouldn’t experience pain’ kind of stuff.

Turns out, I had a doozy of a flare up. Whether be it due to thoughts, weather, or potato chips, i got to slow down again. real slow. slower still.

And I thought, “i can’t possibly need to go slower” and life said to me… “…actually…” and so slower still I went and more insights revealed themselves. Insights on everything from my posture and the way I carry my weight to road blocks in interpreting certain family members’ antics. Insights. Opportunities to notice and change. A whole lot of uncomfortable, but by slowing down and not resisting, a more nuanced step forward, with the kinds of habits and thought processes that will better serve a legacy of health (even if an imperfect expression).

I’ve been excited as I’ve been feeling better to also have the felt sense that the changes got made beyond a superficial fix. When my body really hurts, typically, if i go slowly enough I can find a pace that doesn’t activate any of the pain. i mean, it’s ridiculously slow. it could take me 12 minutes to walk the 30 feet to the kitchen, but what else have I got to do? Whatever plans I had fall directly off a cliff when i have a flare up, and the whole day is mostly stillness or self-explored physical therapy. And some of the revelations and pacing has given me cues to continue to influence the way I walk and stand and interact.

What’s even more exciting is that even as I move into 5th level physical slowness, my mental track shifts gears as well, allowing more inputs and fewer outputs (an increase in noticing that with which I’m interacting, and decrease in intrusive chatter). I can experience more gratitude and less judgement – even about things that obviously really need my judgement (is there actually anything that needs judgement? depends on when you ask me).

I’ve been in a fog for several months, trying to endure it, apply what I know, surrender, look to create for the betterment of all… this flare up feels to mark the distillation of the fog (remembering “Code to Joy” and the idea that an acre of dense fog is about 8 oz of water – an easily manageable amount!) and I trust that I can maneuver within it differently moving forward.

I really thought -for the last few months- that I needed to speed up to get out of the fog. Action is what would transform the energy. I tried all kinds of action. Mostly disappointing results – although plenty of very nice occurrences, too. But it’s not action that is saving me. Once again, it’s a deeper level of slowing down. You’d think I’d bet on that pony more readily, but my habit is to think Quick Wit offers the best odds. I trust I’ll learn sooner or later.

finding the gift in pain?

My sister needed a root canal and said, ‘while i was in pain, i kept trying to do what you do- find the gift in it- and it sucked and i couldn’t find it.’

let me be clear: that’s not what i do.

During pain, I breathe and with my exhalation, try to release resistance to the pain. I use the breath to explore the pain on the inhale (what size/shape/gravity/nature) and melt around it on the exhale. Sometimes I can do this for 1/2 hour. sometimes I can only do it for a couple of breaths. More than once, the pain has gotten so intense I’ve passed out (which actually was welcome because sleep is difficult when in pain). Noticing the pain, releasing resistance, trying to come to equanimity. I use the breath and whatever practices I can remember (like inviting pain to sit on the porch with me and watch the sunset) to be present to the experience of the pain. Sometimes, I just have to take some medicine and sleep (I’ve found 30mg of CBD puts me out reliably). What’s for sure is it slows me down, and I no longer begrudge it the time. My orientation is: My body must be needing something and this is the only way it can get it. OK, I’ll play along. Releasing mental resistence=step one.

The gift I’ve found through pain isn’t in the pain itself. The gift has been in what the experience of pain has done for my life, and does for my life. Deciding not to try to avoid or get away from pain, pain mandates present moment awareness, and sustained present moment awareness at that – even if it’s hard and unpleasant. That present moment awareness lets me look my kids in the eyes to see what they’re really asking – I am convinced I would have given mostly cursory attention and perfunctory answers to most of my kids’ questions had I continued on the path I was careening down prior to pain. I have a thousand examples of something I would’ve zoomed by, I now hold and appreciate and respond to. That’s the gift of pain. It changed the quality of my attention.

Within the moments of pain, sometimes I imagine the pain telling me its origin story. I try to just release resistance – to the story, to the sensation, to anything that’s not pure space. Most of the time I just let pain let me get quiet. This week, it’s been working intensely on my walking. I am sort of a comedy show to watch – extremely slow, but when I go slower than a snail, I am more aware of the shifting of my weight, the orientation of my legs and knees, the drop in my sacrum. I have always been awkward in my body to some degree. I feel this particular bout of pain is going in and correcting some essential habits I developed to work around all of the tension of various unprocessed traumas. I use pain to learn deeper and deeper ways of relaxing. that has nice implications in my pain-free times, too.

So, it’s not so much that i find a gift in the pain – it’s more that by releasing my resistance to pain in general and learning how to be present, many gifts have unfolded in the foundation of my life and my interactions with others and with life itself. I let pain set the pace of my life – a pace I never would have chosen nor been  convinced to embrace, and that pace has transformed me. Do I miss my old pace? Sometimes. But, I also see the constant ‘chasing’ i was doing, and i don’t miss that at all. And through this new pace, I’m able to see the chasing i still do, which brings it into choice, which lets me make a new decision. I never would’ve seen it at my old pace. So, this is another aspect of the gift.

But, I don’t sit enjoying pain. By exploring it, sometimes I can achieve a few breaths or a few moments of equanimity. Sometimes, though, most of my experience is enduring the pain. This last bout, I’ve been practicing Radical Rest where I say, “I am relaxing for my knee” and trying to relax my whole body in honor of the painful knee. I found it super interesting. This is how I occupy myself with pain. I’m a far cry from plucking daisies within it…

trauma

Two things i learned from the trauma summit:

one of trauma’s hallmarks is the idea that there is not enough time.

the physical anxiety of mentally waiting for the next assault is a component of trauma.

These two things defined my life. And, I gotta tell you, I really interpreted life as a series of assaults on my sovereignty and plans that I had to figure out how to fix to move on with my plans. And I was absolutely positive that i was playing against time, and the fear of there actually not being enough time (and enough skill) to actualize my potential – terrifying.

I had balancers, in spiritual and human potential ideas, but I was into the hurried, assailing world hook line and sinker.

I am extremely grateful to be slowing down and disinvesting from that energy field and mindset and method of operation. I can’t imagine how I would’ve done it without pain.

I don’t want to fetishize pain. Pain is no fun. But if it’s here, it must be possible in some version of the world that it’s here to help. That’s the version I want to live in. In any case, I want to live in a world of presence and compassion and savoring and natural timing. However you get there, it’s the place to be.