full disclosure

usually when I sit to write,  i’ve meditated or done a bodyfulness practice, or maybe just come off reading something (and, thankfully, most of what I read points me to the possibility in life)… i’m typically feeling like I have something useful to say or ponder. but those aren’t the only parts of my day. for example, I’ve spent most of this morning in quite a state.

Having gotten zero response from any of the resumés I’ve submitted, and being serious about this new direction, I started researching tips for job market re-entry. If you’re planning on something similar, I strongly suggest you refrain from such a search. It is depressing as hell.

I know that growth requires discomfort. I’m even eager to endure the discomfort so I can get to the goodies on the other side. But, man, the uncertainty paired with society’s ‘progress at any cost’ mentality is brutal.

I know that I am a far better person (and so then potentially a far better employee) than I was when I left the job market. I know that when I find a gig, I’ll rock it out. I’m a quick learner, but even more importantly, I genuinely like people. I genuinely enjoy listening and helping. That’s got to be an asset to somebody.

As I sit trying to re-write my resume for the umpteenth time, I have to question if it is worthwhile trying to play in a field that’s lost its humanity, or at least made it secondary. With all that I’ve learned – and not just intellectually – with all that I’ve come to know about my self and my values and my contribution to life, when it becomes clear that I need to expand my participation in the world, i go right back to the standard “this is how you enter the job market”?? I don’t think so. But, how, then?

So my morning has been very difficult to endure. the uncertainty. the insecurity. the frustration.

the good news is that clare dubois recently wrote that Sadhguru told her he wants her uncomfortable – that that’s how the growth can begin. He may as well have been speaking to me, and he’d be very pleased with how uncomfortable I am. because, damn.

one of the strategies I’ve come up with is speaking about bodyfulness to community groups. mostly because bodyfulness is such a freaking treat, and sharing it is great. And more than just *visiting* community groups, where it may take 5 meetings for people to get to know me, the speaking bit might accellerate that. But, this whole endeavor seems to be in my lap because I’m not particularly great at marketing myself. I feel self-serving, even if what I’m marketing completely serves the individual. Part of the excitement about getting a job is doing something someone already knows they need, and doing it well, in service. I know how much it means to me when I need something done and someone actually does it. It’s rare. and it’s delicious. and I want to provide that.

The thing about bodyfulness, much like when I called it ‘slowing down’ is that even the people that think it is a good idea don’t actually realize how much they need it. and i am not motiviated to make them realize they need it. i don’t need to change anyone’s mind. i know they need it – it’s written all over their life. but their life is their business. and even though they say they want [insert benefit that would come from being more present and attuned in life here], they really enjoy the way they live their lives, else they’d change them.

Funny thing is, as I work to bring myself out of this funk, this – well it’s not despair, but i’m pretty sure if i didn’t have this practice it would feel a lot like that – that in order to go out and make the personal connections that can slip me into a place of true service in the world, it looks like i’m going to need to promote bodyfulness, to evangelize a little bit – the thing i’ve been avoiding. The Divine Comedy is sometimes a little ironic for my taste.