I’ve been enjoying so many great books lately, all different fingers pointing to the same moon – and today I am contemplating the nature of the moon. Typically, I think of the moon as a thing, a state of being, a level of accomplishment wherein everything is realized. Today, I recognize that my perception has been far too static. Whether it is the moon, enlightenment, heaven or the fruition of a dream – I keep thinking of things as things and not processes, and I believe that has been debilitating.
Beginning to appreciate the inherent and intrinsic motion in all of life, even in the stillness (if not especially in the stillness, for me), being in that motion, being in flow, riding on and interacting with the waves – this has become the new set of goals, and everything I need to reach the goals is within me. Interacting with the wisdom that acknowledges and reveals the motion is just one way of fueling the fire within me. It is a choice that I can make, but I don’t *need* to make. But, it sure makes my life more interesting. I love these books, I love new perspectives and rich insights. Curating my attention to have at least some portion of my day involved in this kind of nurturance is really a luxury. And completely free.
I had a long-time dream of running a production company. My anchor goal was producing kids’ shows featuring the diversity and color of the cultures on the planet, setting kids in different cultures up in communication and establishing a network of education based in wholeness and identity counterbalanced with curiosity and growth. This was all pre-worldwide web, and it would be much more streamlined to do it now, but I’m drenched in the inherent cultural disruption of it. But back to my original dream, then I wanted to produce educational content with commercial production values. The gap between the saleable and the educational was incredibly wide, and while it’s better, it’s still distinct. Anyhow, I wanted to solve all that (or at least offer an alternative) and then get into music and media that promoted this inter-cultural appreciation and interpersonal nurturance for adult audiences. I made some inroads, but for the most part I got sidetracked.
What I like most about that dream is that it is dynamic – it isn’t a single state – it’s a process with many elements. I’m not so concerned about media anymore (though I acknowledge its prevalence – indeed, its prevalence may be what deters me). What I really care about now is this concept of wholeness and the process of life moving from one whole state to another whole state. I am deeply not interested in “I’ll be happy when” sort of goals.
I grew up in a household where my father had a terminal illness and a lot of kids. It was stressful, and I embodied that stress. I have yet to check in with my body and find it relaxed. The tension I carry is so deeply embedded in my makeup that even with the intensity of practice (and variety of practices) I employ, it still has a pretty solid grip on my body. Even now, when I live in a safe and pleasant household, my body wants to be ‘ready for anything’ and seems always on alert. I wish it would just relax, but in the interim, I am going to provide opportunities for it to relax as often as I can – to recognize the current moment not as a potential assault, but as this wonder to notice and be a part of. This transition from ‘predict and control’ to ‘sense and respond’ is fascinating (and long) and worth every effort. Predict and control -at least the way i employed it- had to do with using my creative power to steer life towards a picture of what I wanted it to be. Sense and respond uses my creative power to be in relationship with life itself. So. Much. Better.
I still puzzle with the paradox of creating life and receiving it. I get the value of having a dream and going for it and creating something new in the world. But that’s not what drives me these days. I guess my dream has become being open and receptive in the present moment, and engaging with life from a feeling of wholeness. Then, I can give and receive from life as the moment affords. I’m making some progress on this front.
Now, more than multicultural education, I’d really love to be able to sort out my journey from ‘constantly on alert for the next assault’ to ‘whole and trusting in life itself’ to be of some service to the multitude of kids traumatized by the chaos in our world. We seem to expect they should be able to grow out of it – but plants in diminished soil need a soil infusion. It’s our opportunity to provide it, once we find it for ourselves…