i can be a jerk

sometimes I am a jerk.

sometimes i’m all the way through the gate of jerkdom and didn’t even know I was anywhere along the trail.

that is a shitty attribute.

sometimes my being a jerk is beneficial, even to the person i’ve been a jerk to. doesn’t excuse it.  couldn’t we have gotten there another way?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I sit and offer my heart and my life to the source of all life to use me as She will, to let me be of service, to become the fullest expression of the possibility of this life in service to the betterment of all.

But I’d like it all to be neat and tidy. and i’d like to come out smelling like a rose. Please. If it’s not too much trouble.

The more effusive love becomes in our lives, doesn’t it clean up our bad habits? Our anger? Our pain?

I have no idea. I will say that many bad habits have cleaned themselves up in the past several years through this thing I’m calling Bodyfulness. Things I’d “efforted” quitting dozens of times all of the sudden, done. Grudges? Tender. and open to inquiry. we’ll see how they go.

But, I’ve still got plenty of frustrating habits, knowingly even more than I’m aware of. and I’m still a jerk sometimes. And selfish.

Of course all of these things are thoughts. Byron Katie would have me apply “The Work” and see that it’s all illusion. Huh. That sounds like a great idea….

In the meanwhile, and just to round this out, I really, really wish I could be perfect . Kind and loving and an expression of love and a creative force for good in every moment. And I’d want to see myself as perfect, but, you know, not have some out of control ego. Can the two coexist? Swami Vivekananda offers the solution: You can see yourself as perfect, that’s all well and good, as long as you see everyone else as perfect, too!

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