i think i wrote about my thought stream pitching me things to worry about whilst I was laying in bed my first week or so of recovery. It was interesting to meet those thoughts with curiosity (actually, only barely curiosity) instead of fear/worry/panic/looking for how to solve it as quickly as possible…. In David Hawkins’ book “Letting Go” he talks about thoughts being like baited fish hooks, and during those episodes, for perhaps the first time in my life, i wasn’t biting. I liked it.
Now that I’m completely off the pain meds, I’m having a different experience. This one is more about emotionality welling up in me, telling me I’m sad. I think this usually sets off a ‘why am I sad?’ mental track nitpicking my life for little bits of ‘wrong.’ I’ve been working on addressing it more like i address pain – moving toward it with equanimity, and these last couple of days it’s really starting to work. When it comes up, I just say, “ok” and try to sit with it. It barely lasts 30 seconds. I expected to be able to sit in my scenic mental Adirondack chairs and reassure the sadness, but it never makes it back to the porch. I’ve called its bluff, you see, and it disappears.
These two extremely new and welcome approaches to the mental dissatisfaction that has periodically hooked me and made me wish ‘everything’ was ‘different’ are really pleasant. They coexist with a reckoning which i think i also wrote about (but here I am writing again) of accepting myself as I am.
Everyone exhorts the “stem cell way of being” – about flexibility and adaptability, but once assigned, it’s Really Important that cells take on the tasks of their function and not keep trying to be flexible. In fact, unless they take on the duties of the new kind of cell, stem cells are no help at all. I feel that there are millions of us so bright and happy and eager to help, we’re just like stem cells, wanting to contribute to the good but still in this undifferentiated state. This, i believe, is the Super App: connecting all of the well-intentioned but clueless people in the world (myself included) into clear areas of differentiation where we can use our natural and acquired skills to contribute to the whole in meaningful and effective ways.
But, back to me. And this may be a repeat. But, I think I am a liver cell. I think I’ve always wanted to be a heart cell because the heart is so darned cool, but I’ve finally got that I’ve got to focus on the skills and functions that flow out naturally from me and quit always comparing myself to some fancier set of traits that I could have (if only I was someone else). My predilection to being Disappointment Panda has me think I’m part of the metabolic cleansing process, and so, liver cell it is. And, finally, like that high school kid that’s been ashamed of his parents, I finally see the value of the truth of my situation and seem to be (finally) backing off my visions of greener elsewhere’s. And here’s the rub: it *sounds like* capitulation, like resigning myself to something less than my wildest dreams (which proved perhaps a little unrealistic). But it *feels like* freedom. And the rusty bike on the front porch really only needs a brillo cleaning and a new seat.. all of these things that weren’t good enough (to match my perhaps unrealistic wildest dreams) suddenly are quite lovely, thank you. and opportunities for me to share my gifts come around from time to time instead of me looking out the window at an empty road…
I guess what I’m saying is that identifying with my own field of being as opposed to the constant attempts at management of the details of being, is opening up a new way of being and it feels, finally, like home.