it would be funny if it wasn’t so sad

as i become more and more present, situations reveal themselves in new ways/interpretations. opening our hearts to more than a fixed perspective starts to let you see more things..obviously. ¬†and being willing to look at whatever is smack dab in your lap is a brave state of being. Let us aspire…

i can see things now I didn’t see before. some of it I am more comfortable with than other parts. One thing i noticed is that I get mad at myself – i can feel anger/disappointment chemicals flood my body – for things as ridiculous as finding a towel that should have gone in that last load. seems like a real misappropriation of chemical cultivations. certainly, i’d like to unplug that. i mean, disappointment is real and allowed, but shit happens. getting upset is optional. no real benefit comes from being hard on oneself. people talk about needing things to prod oneself on, but i think that’s sortof masochistic. doesn’t stop me, though. but maybe now is the time. Yes! now is the time! of course it is, or it wouldn’t be in my awareness. but what an old and deep habit, in such insidious little corners of life! I can’t express the moment of recognition of the physical feeling of the anger of not having done it “right”. I probably create 100 or such little moments throughout the day. little ‘is this going the way i want it to go’ moments, times to bring out the scorecard and see where we’re at. what a waste of effing time.

i know that being present, slowing down, being open. being. i know this is the way forward. i need to write about it, talk about it, think about it and PRACTICE IT as often as possible. every moment i spend pays handsome dividends in the present. as ACIM says, it releases the past in the present and thus creates the future. So many good resources. so many good tools. thankful for the habit to turn to the breath, the mantra, presence itself…

Sometimes I fall off my good intentions. even some of the practices. sometimes I just screw up. and sometimes I even don’t get mad at myself now. i like uncovering areas where i do, so that i can release it, but sometimes i fall off the wagon. usually i don’t (and that is because when i do, i typically pay for it at some point – and navigating that point has been a constant source of curiosity these last many years). so tonight I ate a lot of weird food. then, having done so, ate a bunch more. I feel pretty sick. It is completely self-imposed. and i could be mad at myself. it’d be justified. but i’m going to opt for compassion and understanding, and the recognition tht life is messy. that’s what i got tonight, and i’m kinda glad for it.

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