I’m having a moment of fear and self-loathing. I’ve been an idiot on a bunch of things, Tucker’s had a few days off, I feel the old familiar patterns of stress beckoning. Thank God for this practice. Thank God for this idea of turning always to God. Thank God for this idea of evolving, what we are doing/all we can do, ever more towards love, freedom and relationship.
Because I’ve gone down all those roads, believing the thoughts in my mind and letting them take me for a ride that is both uncomfortable and unproductive. Now, I’m not afraid of discomfort. Indeed, I’ve come to see it as an invitation. But there are karmic ways of thinking and there are kriya possibilities and breaking the cycle is the mark of the kriya choice. Coming out of the fascination with the story. Knowing it’s the voice that cried wolf and you don’t need to keep falling for it. David Hawkins wrote in letting go about thoughts being the fisherman’s hook. You’re this little fish and if that hook gets your attention and you bite, well, you’re going for a ride and you might not like the end. If you can simply not take the bait, the river is going to have all sorts of adventures around you, with you and for you. I’ts a nice image.
My big marker of wellness is how quickly I can turn to God when the tempting thoughts come. There are any number of ways I invoke the energy that created all this, whether through breath, prayer, insight, mantra, intention, practice, and for a minute or for a second or for an hour. But a choice, in a moment of sadness or confusion, how quickly the choice? And that’s what is most interesting to me, this process.
I do prefer feeling pleasant to this sortof tortured feeling that keeps coming up, but this has so much more possibililty. feeling bad is an opportunity to be with feeling bad and still love me. my patience with the feeling allows it to come and take what it needs, get my attention and hopefully teach me something. I am unfurling a lifetime of unnecessary stressors and my life, as it is -on good days and on more difficult – is my best teacher. And I know that if I follow the mental ‘you’re not good enough’ channel, i know exactly what i’ll receive there. but when i take that same prompt and use it to turn to a mantra, or relax within it, things start opening up. something new is going to happen, even if only subtly new. That’s the path I am on, and want to be on. that karmic wheel is just not appealing, and i’m delighted that i now can identify some choice-points that bring me one step closer to changing the cycle.