since the beginning of the year life has taken on a more active pace than i’d been able to sustain in probably a decade. i’m able to sustain it, and indeed it seems that for all of my slowing down there is an increased speed that I can’t control, making the slowing down practices all the more important to incorporate into my days. i notice i still feel guilty when i am resting, even after all of these years. Not every time and not intensely, but it’s still there. Nonetheless, the pace is picking up. i can feel it. and luckily it is corresponding with a renewed wellness.
If we take the middle 30 days of my body’s 2010 crisis as a 10 pain/intensity (which it wasn’t. it was 7-8 with moments of 10), and prior to losing my filling I was at a 6 and since losing my filling i’ve mostly been a 2 or less, with a 6 month decline into 3-4 last year. Anyway, I’m mostly under 2. but with a bit more energy and a bit less self care requirements. and if i keep the self care in there, i’m less than a 1. but still with range of motion restrictions in my hip. and wobbly fingers.
but that’s just physical. emotionally, the healthy concepts i’d read about and tried to work to put into practice have begun to settle and take root. I’m able to feel connected in easy ways. I’m not trying to advance an agenda, so I’m not measuring moments by how well they serve my envisioned future. I just embrace them in the now. what a difference.
spiritually, i am so excited i can hardly contain myself. and why would i? at the end of the book ‘the sacred science’ (about plant medicines of the amazon) nick polizzi asks a series of questions ending with “who are you at your core?”(paraphrase) and the answer was so clear for the very first time. I had the palpable understanding (much like i had a palpable understanding of the yin/yang being a real principle in and through and all around us) that at my essence, I am just life itself expressing itself. Just like everyone and everything else.
That has been my idea of heaven for some time: the recognition of God unfolding everywhere. That everything is just dripping with God-Love. Anything else is just a story. And some of those stories are interesting, or worth paying attention to, or unavoidable. But beyond all the stories, we are just an expression of life. here for a lifespan, in keeping with our species general development, sure to die and to be replaced by the next generations. Life. expressing itself. all across the universe. and in, through and as us.
It is a radical idea to consider that “there is nothing wrong here” to literally love what is. that right here in this moment, i am enough, life is enough, everything is resplendent if we only have eyes to see it as so. Isn’t it so obviously worth a try? It takes hold very quickly and whisks us into virtuous circles and synchronicities.
But to finish this idea of the quickening, If 10% of my practices took root the first 20 years of my spiritual practice, and maybe 30 to 50 percent during the last decade, I feel that things are integrating at quite a clip the last year but markedly the last 4 months. the feminine power course was a real catalyst, great paradigm shifting, visionary direction. Add in the Thomas Hubl and of course Paul Selig’s work, and I am just feeling the evolution of myself and life itself towards ever greater love, freedom and order. it’s exhilarating and i’m grateful.