its funny how educated some people consider me about diet and supplements and things, and how naive and uneducated others consider me. and they’re both right. i have deep wells of experience and success in certain areas, and stand in utter confusion (and relative disinterest) in others. I am not particularly sciencey. But I also traveled with 2 kids for nearly 2 years with a 3 item medical kit that more than sufficed.

Being in the deep end of the pool with people who spend their entire day in the deep end of the pool definitely demonstrates my areas of ignorance. But, I also have experience and being that they completely don’t understand (and are similarly disinterested). My opportunity now is to bridge me and them, to open up to a new perspective even as i crave my current perspective being honored. Everything I know about what I want sings to me of unity, so if i am experiencing dissonance, there’s something deeper to discover.  I just wish i knew what and how and when. because this ‘me’ and ‘them’ mindset is exactly what i see polarizing the social order and I certainly don’t want to support that. But it’s so easy. Most of the doctors i’ve seen, even the nicest of them, is pretty condescending. and i get pretty defensive. and maybe i cry a little bit before i remember to breathe, to surrender, to let it come as it does and do my best to bless each step.

It doesn’t give me an ‘answer.’ I have no idea what to do next. And if i require an answer, i’m screwed. i just don’t have the information, nor do i have the physical draw to a specific step. the healing journey language has been overused, but that’s because it speaks to something primary to the experience of healing – – it’s an acknowledgement of process, of ever-changing circumstances we have the privilege to respond to. yeah, sorry my grammar isn’t better.

today i’ve been trying to sit with my discomfort and i’ve experienced a full range of it, from peace, depression, anger, equanimity, self-comforting, self-indulgence, escapism, fear, willingness, exhaustion, potential, curiosity, shame, patience, potential and renewal. This, since i got up about 10 hours ago. While part of me wishes i’d happened upon a smooth and obvious trajectory I could just throw myself behind (ha! i feel i’ve found the one emotion I did not experience today: certainty! At least not in relation to my health and my path forward. but that’s not even true. I know I am going to continue Perelandra and flower essences because i love it so. I know meditation, even when it sucks and I barely dropped out of mind, is essential every single day. i know that the change i want to effectuate in the world (social justice and all that it implies economically, systemically, etc) needs to begin with myself so how i treat myself through this process is really important. Even with all this certainty and all this uncertainty, developing the capacity to just willingly sit with it is far more life-positive than supervising unwieldily data sets and trying to determine a plan. That shit will kill me. And I’m not ready to die. Really, I’m just getting rolling with this living!

Do I contradict myself? There are universes inside me. Paraphrasing Whitman. But, boy, did i feel it today.