why is this more uncomfortable than that deep physical pain? because with physical pain, my choice was how to relate to it and i got pretty good at making the choice of with openness and receptivity. this discomfort of not knowing what to do – that my head has to make a decision that will impact the whole of me, and i very well could make a decision that will harm my body. that’s a lot of pressure. it also shows how deeply i still ‘other’ my pain and my body, even with all of this listening. But, i also remember to not ‘other’, to sit with, to be right here right now. sometimes, lol. but sometimes is better than never (which is what it used to be). so the key for me is not to rush into a head decision, but to remember to listen, and make my choices as they present themselves with openness and sensitivity. but then that head kicks in, and the medical literature, and the desire to get it over with as quickly as possible… and all of those things make me uncomfortable for different reasons and in different ways. but they’re all head-focused. and i want to be wholeness focused. but boy do i have a lot of head-focused experience. and if i am wrong, with my body-focused choices, boy does my head-focused self hold me in contempt or potential contempt..