Monthly Archives: December 2018

everybody’s your guru

I’m excited because thursday the business plan for peace call is with Gangaji, who, it is revealed in the email, both Sheva and Scilla are students of and I’m a fan, too. In the bio she credits receiving transmission from Papaji, but let’s face it, all of the wisdom in the world invites you to align to our essential nature. Papaji’s just the guy who got her to believe it.

We can hear it all the time, but when it clicks – that is something. that moment (and if you can swing it, the eternal moment).

So many paths to God. so many human hearts. but we must keep speaking because one offhand comment from the right person swings you right into the center of the vortex.

Who will it be today?

right on the brink…

I’m looking at the last blue sky of 2018, knowing that tomorrow that same sky will be in a different year. kindof makes it obvious what a construct new year’s is, but constructs are useful in ways and here we are in the middle of a bajillion of them. Let’s make the most of it, shall we?

The experiment of surrendering to life itself, trusting that the universe is friendly, life itself is rigged in your favor, and all of existence is the expression of the Divine, unfolding in infinite variety and color, for the betterment of all – this experiment is all-inclusive, like those beach resorts in the Carribean. everything’s included – not like a cruise ship, where *some* things are paid for and *some* things are premium and *some* things you don’t even learn about til you’ve already spent a certain amount in category number 2.. but i digress… this is all inclusive. if god is coming at us from everywhere, nothing is excluded. not the car accident or the addiction or the change of ownership at the place you work – everything is in. Everything can be received as the very best thing possible in this moment, the exact thing i need to learn right now, or contribute, most likely both.

Some people will say it’s a mind game, talking yourself in to a panacea … and maybe it kindof is, but way more than that it’s talking yourself out of a series of drama that 90% have no basis in reality, just perspective and even that is fleeting.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure out the best way to do things, as if there was a best way. it was stressful and damaging and more importantly, wildly limiting. I want to know what is beyond anything that could be categorized as a best way, for this reason or that reason or any reason. Life is just unfolding, and it is unfolding in our favor if we can receive it as such.

Hawkins talked about enlightenment being fairly limited because desire for enlightenment is fairly limited. it’s not on a ton of people’s top 5 priorities. When opening up to Life being God expressing constantly as a love song – to and through you and everything else – becomes the #1 thing, it is a whole different ball game. Worry is just a choice to indulge in a fear game that doesn’t need to exist (even if it exists for 99% of the people 99% of the time, which it doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter if it did – it’s not real, even when it seems the most real)

So this is the challenge. I’ve said for more than a year that evolving is the most important priority in my life, and to sit in this place and want to be authentic and congruent, clearly stepping out of fear is the most important next step. and stepping out of fear is the counterbalance of stepping out of self aggrandizement. Whether I separate myself out as bad and ruining my children’s futures or separate myself out as good and providing for a better future – they’re equally true and the amount of true that they are is exactly zero. Or maybe some infininte number on each scale. Love loves all of us, scoundrels and the saints.

I am very excited about 2019.


That word came up twice today. two radically different sources. how weird is that? It has to do with our ability to know where our bodies are in space, our orientation and position. Most of the time, most of us have a sense of ourselves in relation to our environment.

and while that is hugely relevant, it’s not what i want to write about. i want to write about receiving. about receptivity. about openness.

i have definitely walked through life with a whole lot of “I’m fine, thank you” to most people’s advice, most of the time. I had styles of dealing with things that I liked, i can do this/figure this out on my own… I had a boss once that always said, “No” no matter what you pitched or how she felt about it. so you had to be able to listen past the no, because that was just a reflex for her – not her actual answer. anyhow, i just realized today a whole layer of closedness in a rather large swath of my life. That’s good, noticing is the first step.  And truly, I want all of my answers to bubble up from inside myself, but I also know God is expressing everywhere and I want to be open in relationship  to that … fully embodying and whole within myself, in relationship to the echoes of Life’s love for me (all of life), listening and intoning with all we have the privilege to encounter. Because it’s all a privilege.

It’s served me. I’ve gotten very quiet and paying attention to a cellular level which i couldn’t have gotten if i was chasing people’s advice (and i was as much as i wasn’t, as per above)… and I see how I am in my infancy of learning how to listen… but it is the most beautiful transmission when i can relax into it deeply. so my body’s gotten me to have to pay attention and I am doing my best.

But beginning with Tara Brach’s solstice talk, with illness and wellness beginning with “i” and “we” respectively… that’s powerful stuff. and i’ve known for years that the “we” space is where evolution happens, but it has to be a bunch of “we” people who’ve done the “i” work (or does it? there are as many roads to God as there are human hearts)… I want to celebrate the “we” space in a new way this year, and provide soft loam for all who enter here…

i have my insecurities and doubts, but I have to give them up because it’s not about a personal agenda anymore. it’s this collective agenda. Honoring, celebrating, all of Life.  this love-in that we will certainly be flawed in creating (humans make mistakes – but more importantly learn from them and adapt) but lets not have that stop us… being pointed in the direction of evolving the species towards greater love, freedom and relationship – the way we’re pointed makes all the difference! Flawed attempts or not, directional progress comes from trying and innovating. and often innovation comes from collaboration and really listening to each other. not defensively. not with “how does what you are saying fit into my world view?” but just with listening. not defending a history and identity but being open to what we are creating together with each encounter…

That’s a big deal. i want to be in that space

Happy Solstice!

The darkness has been increasing and now it has hit its limit. from here forward (until the cycle begins again) light infuses our days more and more. That’ll be nice. 4:30 is too early for sunset! although this year my body was able to listen to the early darkness and ease in to some cozy habits i’ve never been able to integrate before (going to bed earlier, a decades-long new year’s resolution). Thank goodness the cycle keeps repeating, else it wouldve passed without me integrating it. Nature. So Kind. Always another opportunity to integrate, to express, to live it out differently *this* time.

The cyclical nature can seem like such a drag. “Not this again! I thought I cleaned that up!” But as we clean things up, we build our muscle for when it shows up again. It’s never “complete” – or maybe it is, but best not to expect it to be so.

Cycles serve us. I imagine they’re so essential to life itself – cycles are how things can ever-renew. Without renewal, where would we be? Stuck in the direction of our history? That would be sad.

Renewal opens up the unknown. And for those of us who *want* the unknown, we have to want it more than whatever “ideal” we fantasize about, because the unknown is by nature different than the known. If you can imagine it, it’s bigger and different than that.

I remember watching something that said flowers were a spontaneous mutation in the flora of the earth. Billions of years, no flowers. Then one day, flowers, and every cycle more varieties. Prior to flowers, when all the flora was green or greeny or greenier, how could the splendor of some of these crazy flowers currently gracing our planet been conceived of? Someone imagining “flower” where it hadn’t existed before could only push up to the edge of the context in which he lived, but the true expression of that creative impetus of his imagining “flower” however small and flawed the limit of the imagining, nature takes that desire for growth and manifests it in ways so colorful and diverse no one imagining could ever have encompassed it. But the imagining *started* it and nature keeps cycling exploring more possibility.

We do it too. We don’t do it all the time, but we really do it in a very essential way in our lives. Picking what we carry through to the next cycle. Which decorations get stored and which get donated? I loved that brand and now i buy it exclusively.  When I’m 15 minutes early, I get the best parking space and so i’m usually 15 minutes early (this is a funny sentence because it is so not me, but i do get mighty fine parking spaces….). I could try to get myself to do a thousand intentional things to no avail, but regularly and seemingly beyond my conscious control, sometimes I make changes and let them keep making me.

As my attention retreats from the events of the world around me and rests in the feeling state of the body, I’m becoming more aware of my proclivities, good and bad. I’m trying to find them interesting instead of good or bad, and i’m trying to look at the source reason with curiosity and openness instead of predicting and trying to fix. This is an enormous shift for me, and one my current lifestyle supports because I spend all kinds of time listening to mystics and visionaries opening me up to the present moment and not always feeling like i’m under threat. Trusting life itself. Survival of the fittest may be true but it’s a gruesome way to live – i kept trying to prove myself fit in some way (and this last decade, it is very clear, strength eludes me). Life unfolding and I’m part of it? That I can get behind. And as I do, I appreciate more and more of life’s unfoldment and it makes me do things like celebrate the solstice, the rhythms of nature and it’s awesome manifest world.

shifting my orientation

I’ve just gotten some guidance that I need to keep slowing down. I think about it enough, I still have room to increase doing it – and the quality of it, the relaxedness in the rest – these are areas to grow. I may be a decade in, and still everything points me to the basics. the quality of being. presence, both in activity and stillness. A decade in, you’d think I’d be further down the pike. And from my point of view – well, i was sure I’d be enlightened by now. But enlightenment isn’t the goal. Enlightenment is a way of being. Adding even a breath per day of pure light is worth the effort of a thousand lifetimes, but we don’t have to wait! We can take that breath right now.

The first part of the decade was recognizing, “Houston, we have a problem.” I wasn’t sure what the problem was. My goal-oriented way of being drove my value and I still had some in reserve despite some recent losses. I struggled with what was next and what ‘out there’ i needed to accomplish in order to hit the ‘happily ever after’ button. from which point all of life would be smooth sailing. This was a false goal, though an appealing one, and it took me (is still taking me) some time to unplug from. Thankfully, deciding that my body is my teacher and naturally is life-positive, my body couldn’t care less what ‘out there’ would make me feel better. I needed some feeling better In Here, and that was going to take a whole new kind of time and attention.

This shift in orientation, to a deep focus on lifestyle – food, hydration, bodywork, self-care, fully present relationships, very little ‘out there’ validation but definitely learning the language of what the body likes, doesn’t like and couldn’t care less about – heralded a very different world from the values of my early adulthood. Not drinking took a whole lot of work to accept. It made me sick as shit so it didn’t take me long to stop drinking, it just took me a hell of a long time to be OK with who I was without it. I thought people who didn’t drink were BORING and if I was a person who didn’t drink, how was I going to square with that? Where on earth would my fun come from, unless I was content with not having any.

Honestly, I’m still working on fun – although the picture of it has more to do with collecting ingredients in a village and going and cooking dinner together than telling jokes in the pub (though both are wonderful, mostly the former is where you’d find me). But I have unplugged a whole lot of assumptions I lived with for a very long time, especially putting happiness at the end of accomplishment. I’ve come a long way on this one, and happy to report I’m still at the very beginning. Being in a state of beginning is a very exciting place to be. Receiving the freshness of everything that is unfolding as white-gloved escorts stepping up into the present moment… That is a whole different world than seeking accomplishments, and it’s a trade I’m glad I’m making.


Going slowly- going really slowly – is not easy. nor desireable for most people. it seems to be necessary for me, at least right now. not moving much really helps, but what kind of life is that?

Normally, I’ve actually got it pretty good because I am SO interested in evolution and mystical exploration and there are just so many good teachers and inspirations out there. having time to really soak in this subject matter is really fantastic. I feel guilty that I am not a more involved mother, and that i don’t bring any income into the house but am definitely responsible for quite a bit of expenditure… it is not an ideal situation, in that I can’t look at it and say “well, obviously this is what you should be doing because it’s ticking all the boxes” because i am severely not ticking some pretty important boxes (income. school.)

Usually, I am super-good with the way we’re living our lives although that Aquarian dynamic in a Piscean context is awkward. Today, I’m feeling maybe all of it was the worst kind of mistake, and even with that I have to just surrender and know what will be will be. Mistakes or Masterpieces, it doesn’t matter one bit. Who is judging and by what values? My co-pilot on today’s journey is exasperation. it called shotgun and it is pointing out the futility in everything it sees. Not my favorite MO for the day.

I want to evolve as a species towards love, freedom and relationship. i really don’t know how to do that, but I’m feeling its through filling my time as much as possible with the influences toward that intent, and as much time as i can relaxing into my body, even if it hurts. maybe especially when it hurts. all that tension really needs to be released. But it also feels futile. there’s always more to release and it doesn’t seem to be sticking. i don’t seem to be getting it. I’m tired of hurting. I wish i had a normal life with a job and coworkers and stuff, and then that sounds awful too and i think the illness came to let me off the hook from that… I’m tired of guessing why i got sick and/or why i’m still sick.

i have this hypnosis session on Sunday. i am really hoping it helps set me onto a sense of greater stability or purpose. gain some clarity. move with my full resources in the direction of my dreams.

practice, practice, practice

It is only by grounding our awareness in the living sensation of our bodies
that the ‘I Am’, our real presence, can awaken.
~ G. I. Gurdjieff

I imagine I read this in my 20’s when I was reading Ouspensky. How did I miss it so entirely? Even now, 10 years into this desire to slow down but still having proclivities to “intellectually engage” (ie: think about it without actually doing it. thinking about awareness is not being in awareness, so it doesn’t count any way you slice it. experience is experience is experience.

and really, even just a single breath shifts everything, if only for a second.

Keeping my day full of reminders to engage with that breath, that present moment, I still need some modicum of discipline to do it. Feeling ill or pain is really the simplest way to address it – slipping under it instead of trying to seal it up and away. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in any given moment, but I know I want to show up for it, and i know my body is going to lead me through these feeling states. and as i release into deeper and deeper feeling states, life opens up in ever more tender ways. Being willing to feel is the prerequisite. being willing to sit with a feeling. witness it. not try to change it. just for this breath.

and i’m learning a lot through these moments – learning how to relax, or more notably how much unnecessary tension I hold in my body. So weird, and absolutely any time I cue myself to relax, I’ve got dozens of possible cascading reactions. I’d really like to be fully relaxed. and in a healthy body. (perhaps that is my way to health. kindof for sure, now)

getting my awareness into my body also connects me with how connected I am with the world. with nature. as a human. not just my ideas of who “we are” and who “I am” but the essential life-ness that is expressing through and as us as individuals and as a whole. mezmerizing, but also kinda hard to look up from the wheel sometimes.

In that feeling breath, I’m not trying to achieve any picture, solve any puzzle or validate my contribution. I may be “right” I may be “wrong” I may be totally confused, but in that breath, i’m just here. and breathing – but let’s be honest, life is breathing me. i can’t stop my breath but i sure can pay attention to it and while I can lose sight of it or let it play in the background, it does its best work with attention. and relaxation. and that leads to trust which builds ease which fosters curiosity which tickles creativity… it’s the virtuous circle we’d all love to cultivate and i really believe our breath reliably leads us there. for free. 24/7. fueling intuition and receptivity. no special lingo needed. simply being present in the body.

I’m beginning an experiment with nature, to explore the edges of my showing up, how I can participate in my own evolution and the evolution of our species and planet. I’ve got to work out the parameters of the experiment, based on Perelandra’s nature work. In order to advance my understanding, I’ve got to quit waiting for it to fall into my lap. I’ve got to explore, and focus. My body is my way of experiencing nature. As I learn the language of my body, my authentic energy levels, my present moment embodiment, I can interpret my place in the larger picture with more detail and openness. I can’t predict where it will lead because the whole idea is to move beyond the known. I’d like to document it here, though…

…a little rain must fall…

It’s raining in soCA and it is literally the 3rd time since maybe April, so obviously it’s a good thing.

But, last night I had a little storm of my own.

Now, typically, when I notice a feeling of disappointment or dissatisfaction, I try to use it as a cue that something new is available to me and it is time to choose that something new.

Last night, though, that feeling hit me and instead of pivoting towards what it is trying to awaken in me, I spiraled into what a terrible, awful person I was. And let me tell you, I was sure of it. All evidence pointed to me not only sucking as a human, but being a big, pompous, completely wrong fraud who has been deluding herself with really any positive things she thought about herself.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

On Tuesday, my feminine power power partner noticed in my speaking that even when I talk about something I’ve worked hard on and feel relatively good about, I make sure to include a whole bunch of things I’ve done wrong as well (great insight, my dear, thank you so much). At first I was all (in my mind) like “just keeping myself humble” and “need to acknowledge the whole picture/both sides of the coin” and “but that’s true, too!”

Then I realized, I beat the shit out of myself every chance I get. Still! It’s much more subtle now than it used to be, and it has more counterbalancing through all of the lovely self-care and awareness practices I do, but it’s there. And, my goodness, maybe it has something to do with this dang joint pain that doesn’t fully go away when I fast (indicating it is not food-sensitivity based). So, that was a good thing to notice and see and commit to releasing.

Well, the release certainly began last night. The mild “keeping myself humble” story turned in to the full self-hatred story. It was uncomfortable. And, let me tell you, the part of my psyche that feels that way started laying out a legally incontrovertible argument that proved its every assertion true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sucked for me!

My friend cracking open that window led to the fully-armed arsenal that lay beneath.

Nobody wants to get hit with the fully armed arsenal of self-hate. Nobody, that is, except someone who truly wants to excavate and release it. And I’d pretty much set that intention the day before, so when this hit me I had to act, and fast. So I went to bed. Not to sleep but to do a MAP session for support, and fully be present to all of the feelings, to do some feminine power practices around them, and simply to not avoid them or distract myself. It took me about 3 hours of crying and calming and listening to my inner workings and crying again and doing a process and listening and calming and trying to let it all flow out because I REALLY DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE and the only way out is through. Eventually, I fell asleep.

I feel OK today, and this morning I got some ideas about pleasing activities that addressed some of the enormous gaps I identified in the melee. I don’t feel a particular urgency to implement them, but a quiet gratefulness that I know the next small step in that direction. The energy that I felt last night has shifted (thank MAP and the processes), and if this comes up again, I’m feeling pretty good about that strategy to face it and not repress it. It was pretty deep-seated and I now want the deep seats to be populated by feelings and beliefs about the power of love and the constant contribution we are making to the energy of the earth, and our ability to uplift through our focus and intent. Stuff like that. Certainly not self-hate.

However, with the resources and tools I have, I can address it, be present to it (and get it the heck out of my mind – and my body). Thanks to the many souls that helped me get through it (my friend who brought it up, MAP, feminine power practices – claire and all those who helped her refine her marvelous processes, the books i’ve read and teachers i’ve encountered who gave me the insights and strength to see it for what it was, Thomas Hubl, for example, and his work on trauma and our relationship to it) – even though I was alone crying in that bed, I had so much support and I am so grateful.


I got a job!

I’ve been contemplating getting a job for a couple of years but my health/dexterity simply hasn’t been reliable enough. I’d need something that form fit my life like calf’s leather gloves (although calf’s leather gloves represent an industry i’m really not down with).

Paul Selig’s latest book is what’s given me this job, and I’ve got a lot of experience building up to a job like this, but this job description is still a big reach for me. So, I’m excited. Here it is:

See the Divine in Everything.

Greet the Divine in Everyone You See

Intense, right? I really, truly believe that Life Itself is God Expressing but man-oh-man is that hard to see sometimes. It is SO easy to look at this world as a clusterf*ck when at a deeper level it’s obviously holy. But holy is so easy to overlook.

Speaking of that (tangent alert), my son is a really well-behaved, earnest kid. Always has been. Listens, tries hard, is seriously team-oriented and loyal…. consequently he gets overlooked. I first noticed this in kindergarten. There were kids who DEMANDED the teacher’s attention (usually indulged-in only children) and others who REQUIRED the teacher’s attention (kids who really might set the room on fire at any moment). My kid, who really TREASURED the teacher’s attention got next to none of it because he never made a stink and ways generally doing what he was supposed to be doing. Because when we are overworked, demands and requirements can keep us from being whole and fair and enjoying being treasured…. This is something that pops up from time to time (and obviously has just done so again) and it is so frustrating. For one thing, he is trying to learn how to stand up for himself in the moment, but his politeness and loyalty make it go far too long before he clicks in. It’s something we’ll be working on.

And back to my new job, I have to see the Divine unfolding even in that frustration. I am pretty new on this level of job so I’ve got a ways to go, but I simply love that it is wildly, broad-stroke and fine, always applicable. Typically I’m not one for absolutes, but my guides on this journey assure me, this is the time for absolute inclusion.

There was a time a few years back where my mantra was “there is nothing wrong here” which shifted my focus from my personal agenda to a cosmic truth. That was helpful. But this is a whole new level. I’m pretty excited. And even as I notice I pretty much suck at it the larger portion of my day, I also know that practice is how you get good at stuff, so I’ve decided to accept the offer full-time.

Now, as you might expect, there is no money to be earned here. This job does not pay in federal reserve notes. It literally pays in love. Which is amazing. As I said, I’ve done plenty of part-time work in this category and I’ve been earning this particular form of payment. I can honestly say it is better than money. It has reduced my anxiety and stress enormously, it’s lifted my enjoyment of my life and the people in it, and it gives a meaning and context to my life that advertisers told me I needed a Range Rover, Louis Vuitton bag, and bottle of Cristal to enjoy. That may work, too, I don’t know. But I do know that every effort I’ve applied to my part-time work has paid far more than the minimum wage in peace between my ears. Now I’m ready to fill my body. It’s time to go full-time. It’s daunting, but I’m up for it.

What’s more, I’m not a solo-worker! This idea of greeting the Divine in everyone (as in, actually – if silently) is not a new idea. It’s all over Vedanta and in true Christianity (why did I say the word “true”? Because I find a lot of Christianity excludes people. It’s literally part of the teaching not to, but the doctrine says a resounding “YES” to judging non-Christians as less-than). It’s really everywhere, which again might be the reason it is so easy to overlook. But, back to my point, I’ve got SO MUCH SUPPORT in all of this. Teachers and authors and program leaders, friends and relatives and the kind people I’ve met throughout my life. The ones I’ve appreciated have all pointed me right into this job, and as I undertake the job, it becomes so much easier to see and appreciate!

This, finally, is the job I want to stick with, not just dabble in and see where it goes. I can’t wait until I achieve proficiency, but I don’t mind having to put in the time and effort.


curating our attention

I love Pinterest, although I don’t use it. I love it because I have long felt that curating was the wave of the future and Pinterest gives a very nice way to hold and catalogue things you love. Isn’t that nice.

I have a life I love, but I do not have a life replete with particularly stylish things and so pinterest is of little value to me personally, but this mechanism of curating to remember things we like when the time comes they can play a role… brilliant

lately i’ve had the luxury of curating my time. I’ve got nothing to do but heal. So many hours in a day. I fill the time with the things that matter most to me… my family. but it’s not like i can herd them into the corner and sit on them all day… so my time fills with things i read, things i write, things i do and things i watch. I try to do things to contribute to my healing, so meditation, physical therapy, general exercises and walking. But sometimes that list diminishes in a flare up, so none of this stuff is hard and fast.

I’ve tried to watch tv and movies, but it usually sucks so bad. And I have so many archived excellent hour-long programs from great courses i’ve taken. and i really want to watch the masterclass series. But usually, it’s something that comes to me that day, i watch and I am done watching. Lately I enjoyed Thomas Hubl’s Art of Transparent Communication and a Perelandra workshop.

Most of my days are spent reading and writing. you’d think i have a lot more read, but i don’t. kindof. and i write about the same amount as i write here in a paper journal most of the time. but i did start doing ‘davinci journals’ from barbara sher (freeform, idea-driven) and that has been a lot of fun.

All of my attention is focused on evolving. Literally. All of it. And again, it makes it easy since we are all evolving all the time know it or not. It’s literally the most natural thing in the world. So, that’s comforting in terms of potential goal achievement, but the thing about evolving is you don’t know what it looks like. I mean, I say, “evolving towards ever more love, freedom and relationship” and so i know i am hoping i am growing into a better person, but the whole concept of evolution is the new, and so it may not look like what I thought. and usually doesn’t. but that’s completely fine. I bide my time with lots and lots of inputs that discuss the new, the supportive, the free, the equal, the love, the presence. How to tap into it more. how to keep it active in your day (hint: curate your time to include it). all of these things.

Paul Selig’s latest book, “The Book of Freedom” is the most transformational thing I’ve ever experienced, and letmetellyou, Claire Zammit’s Feminine Power course was pretty darned transformational. But Paul’s book, whew. Personal, cultural, interdimensional – it’s all in there and it’s clear like spring water. I loved each book, and each book changed my life and course and context. But this one is spring-loaded. I want to hand this book to people, but i don’t know if it’s as pristine if you jump in this way. All I know is that with the foundation of the first 5 books, my experience is viscerally opening with each paragraph I read.

Keeping this stuff active in my life, reading The Book of Freedom a little every day, being on a Power of 8 call several times per week, studying Perelandra and Qi Gong… My days are full of things that fascinate me and that is very very exciting and a very great luxury, I know. (I am sorry for people who can’t slow to zero so they can start curating their time from scratch. i do pay for it with a certain amount of disability, though, so don’t feel too ripped off)