Monthly Archives: December 2018

…a little rain must fall…

It’s raining in soCA and it is literally the 3rd time since maybe April, so obviously it’s a good thing.

But, last night I had a little storm of my own.

Now, typically, when I notice a feeling of disappointment or dissatisfaction, I try to use it as a cue that something new is available to me and it is time to choose that something new.

Last night, though, that feeling hit me and instead of pivoting towards what it is trying to awaken in me, I spiraled into what a terrible, awful person I was. And let me tell you, I was sure of it. All evidence pointed to me not only sucking as a human, but being a big, pompous, completely wrong fraud who has been deluding herself with really any positive things she thought about herself.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

On Tuesday, my feminine power power partner noticed in my speaking that even when I talk about something I’ve worked hard on and feel relatively good about, I make sure to include a whole bunch of things I’ve done wrong as well (great insight, my dear, thank you so much). At first I was all (in my mind) like “just keeping myself humble” and “need to acknowledge the whole picture/both sides of the coin” and “but that’s true, too!”

Then I realized, I beat the shit out of myself every chance I get. Still! It’s much more subtle now than it used to be, and it has more counterbalancing through all of the lovely self-care and awareness practices I do, but it’s there. And, my goodness, maybe it has something to do with this dang joint pain that doesn’t fully go away when I fast (indicating it is not food-sensitivity based). So, that was a good thing to notice and see and commit to releasing.

Well, the release certainly began last night. The mild “keeping myself humble” story turned in to the full self-hatred story. It was uncomfortable. And, let me tell you, the part of my psyche that feels that way started laying out a legally incontrovertible argument that proved its every assertion true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sucked for me!

My friend cracking open that window led to the fully-armed arsenal that lay beneath.

Nobody wants to get hit with the fully armed arsenal of self-hate. Nobody, that is, except someone who truly wants to excavate and release it. And I’d pretty much set that intention the day before, so when this hit me I had to act, and fast. So I went to bed. Not to sleep but to do a MAP session for support, and fully be present to all of the feelings, to do some feminine power practices around them, and simply to not avoid them or distract myself. It took me about 3 hours of crying and calming and listening to my inner workings and crying again and doing a process and listening and calming and trying to let it all flow out because I REALLY DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE and the only way out is through. Eventually, I fell asleep.

I feel OK today, and this morning I got some ideas about pleasing activities that addressed some of the enormous gaps I identified in the melee. I don’t feel a particular urgency to implement them, but a quiet gratefulness that I know the next small step in that direction. The energy that I felt last night has shifted (thank MAP and the processes), and if this comes up again, I’m feeling pretty good about that strategy to face it and not repress it. It was pretty deep-seated and I now want the deep seats to be populated by feelings and beliefs about the power of love and the constant contribution we are making to the energy of the earth, and our ability to uplift through our focus and intent. Stuff like that. Certainly not self-hate.

However, with the resources and tools I have, I can address it, be present to it (and get it the heck out of my mind – and my body). Thanks to the many souls that helped me get through it (my friend who brought it up, MAP, feminine power practices – claire and all those who helped her refine her marvelous processes, the books i’ve read and teachers i’ve encountered who gave me the insights and strength to see it for what it was, Thomas Hubl, for example, and his work on trauma and our relationship to it) – even though I was alone crying in that bed, I had so much support and I am so grateful.


I got a job!

I’ve been contemplating getting a job for a couple of years but my health/dexterity simply hasn’t been reliable enough. I’d need something that form fit my life like calf’s leather gloves (although calf’s leather gloves represent an industry i’m really not down with).

Paul Selig’s latest book is what’s given me this job, and I’ve got a lot of experience building up to a job like this, but this job description is still a big reach for me. So, I’m excited. Here it is:

See the Divine in Everything.

Greet the Divine in Everyone You See

Intense, right? I really, truly believe that Life Itself is God Expressing but man-oh-man is that hard to see sometimes. It is SO easy to look at this world as a clusterf*ck when at a deeper level it’s obviously holy. But holy is so easy to overlook.

Speaking of that (tangent alert), my son is a really well-behaved, earnest kid. Always has been. Listens, tries hard, is seriously team-oriented and loyal…. consequently he gets overlooked. I first noticed this in kindergarten. There were kids who DEMANDED the teacher’s attention (usually indulged-in only children) and others who REQUIRED the teacher’s attention (kids who really might set the room on fire at any moment). My kid, who really TREASURED the teacher’s attention got next to none of it because he never made a stink and ways generally doing what he was supposed to be doing. Because when we are overworked, demands and requirements can keep us from being whole and fair and enjoying being treasured…. This is something that pops up from time to time (and obviously has just done so again) and it is so frustrating. For one thing, he is trying to learn how to stand up for himself in the moment, but his politeness and loyalty make it go far too long before he clicks in. It’s something we’ll be working on.

And back to my new job, I have to see the Divine unfolding even in that frustration. I am pretty new on this level of job so I’ve got a ways to go, but I simply love that it is wildly, broad-stroke and fine, always applicable. Typically I’m not one for absolutes, but my guides on this journey assure me, this is the time for absolute inclusion.

There was a time a few years back where my mantra was “there is nothing wrong here” which shifted my focus from my personal agenda to a cosmic truth. That was helpful. But this is a whole new level. I’m pretty excited. And even as I notice I pretty much suck at it the larger portion of my day, I also know that practice is how you get good at stuff, so I’ve decided to accept the offer full-time.

Now, as you might expect, there is no money to be earned here. This job does not pay in federal reserve notes. It literally pays in love. Which is amazing. As I said, I’ve done plenty of part-time work in this category and I’ve been earning this particular form of payment. I can honestly say it is better than money. It has reduced my anxiety and stress enormously, it’s lifted my enjoyment of my life and the people in it, and it gives a meaning and context to my life that advertisers told me I needed a Range Rover, Louis Vuitton bag, and bottle of Cristal to enjoy. That may work, too, I don’t know. But I do know that every effort I’ve applied to my part-time work has paid far more than the minimum wage in peace between my ears. Now I’m ready to fill my body. It’s time to go full-time. It’s daunting, but I’m up for it.

What’s more, I’m not a solo-worker! This idea of greeting the Divine in everyone (as in, actually – if silently) is not a new idea. It’s all over Vedanta and in true Christianity (why did I say the word “true”? Because I find a lot of Christianity excludes people. It’s literally part of the teaching not to, but the doctrine says a resounding “YES” to judging non-Christians as less-than). It’s really everywhere, which again might be the reason it is so easy to overlook. But, back to my point, I’ve got SO MUCH SUPPORT in all of this. Teachers and authors and program leaders, friends and relatives and the kind people I’ve met throughout my life. The ones I’ve appreciated have all pointed me right into this job, and as I undertake the job, it becomes so much easier to see and appreciate!

This, finally, is the job I want to stick with, not just dabble in and see where it goes. I can’t wait until I achieve proficiency, but I don’t mind having to put in the time and effort.


curating our attention

I love Pinterest, although I don’t use it. I love it because I have long felt that curating was the wave of the future and Pinterest gives a very nice way to hold and catalogue things you love. Isn’t that nice.

I have a life I love, but I do not have a life replete with particularly stylish things and so pinterest is of little value to me personally, but this mechanism of curating to remember things we like when the time comes they can play a role… brilliant

lately i’ve had the luxury of curating my time. I’ve got nothing to do but heal. So many hours in a day. I fill the time with the things that matter most to me… my family. but it’s not like i can herd them into the corner and sit on them all day… so my time fills with things i read, things i write, things i do and things i watch. I try to do things to contribute to my healing, so meditation, physical therapy, general exercises and walking. But sometimes that list diminishes in a flare up, so none of this stuff is hard and fast.

I’ve tried to watch tv and movies, but it usually sucks so bad. And I have so many archived excellent hour-long programs from great courses i’ve taken. and i really want to watch the masterclass series. But usually, it’s something that comes to me that day, i watch and I am done watching. Lately I enjoyed Thomas Hubl’s Art of Transparent Communication and a Perelandra workshop.

Most of my days are spent reading and writing. you’d think i have a lot more read, but i don’t. kindof. and i write about the same amount as i write here in a paper journal most of the time. but i did start doing ‘davinci journals’ from barbara sher (freeform, idea-driven) and that has been a lot of fun.

All of my attention is focused on evolving. Literally. All of it. And again, it makes it easy since we are all evolving all the time know it or not. It’s literally the most natural thing in the world. So, that’s comforting in terms of potential goal achievement, but the thing about evolving is you don’t know what it looks like. I mean, I say, “evolving towards ever more love, freedom and relationship” and so i know i am hoping i am growing into a better person, but the whole concept of evolution is the new, and so it may not look like what I thought. and usually doesn’t. but that’s completely fine. I bide my time with lots and lots of inputs that discuss the new, the supportive, the free, the equal, the love, the presence. How to tap into it more. how to keep it active in your day (hint: curate your time to include it). all of these things.

Paul Selig’s latest book, “The Book of Freedom” is the most transformational thing I’ve ever experienced, and letmetellyou, Claire Zammit’s Feminine Power course was pretty darned transformational. But Paul’s book, whew. Personal, cultural, interdimensional – it’s all in there and it’s clear like spring water. I loved each book, and each book changed my life and course and context. But this one is spring-loaded. I want to hand this book to people, but i don’t know if it’s as pristine if you jump in this way. All I know is that with the foundation of the first 5 books, my experience is viscerally opening with each paragraph I read.

Keeping this stuff active in my life, reading The Book of Freedom a little every day, being on a Power of 8 call several times per week, studying Perelandra and Qi Gong… My days are full of things that fascinate me and that is very very exciting and a very great luxury, I know. (I am sorry for people who can’t slow to zero so they can start curating their time from scratch. i do pay for it with a certain amount of disability, though, so don’t feel too ripped off)