It’s raining in soCA and it is literally the 3rd time since maybe April, so obviously it’s a good thing.
But, last night I had a little storm of my own.
Now, typically, when I notice a feeling of disappointment or dissatisfaction, I try to use it as a cue that something new is available to me and it is time to choose that something new.
Last night, though, that feeling hit me and instead of pivoting towards what it is trying to awaken in me, I spiraled into what a terrible, awful person I was. And let me tell you, I was sure of it. All evidence pointed to me not only sucking as a human, but being a big, pompous, completely wrong fraud who has been deluding herself with really any positive things she thought about herself.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
On Tuesday, my feminine power power partner noticed in my speaking that even when I talk about something I’ve worked hard on and feel relatively good about, I make sure to include a whole bunch of things I’ve done wrong as well (great insight, my dear, thank you so much). At first I was all (in my mind) like “just keeping myself humble” and “need to acknowledge the whole picture/both sides of the coin” and “but that’s true, too!”
Then I realized, I beat the shit out of myself every chance I get. Still! It’s much more subtle now than it used to be, and it has more counterbalancing through all of the lovely self-care and awareness practices I do, but it’s there. And, my goodness, maybe it has something to do with this dang joint pain that doesn’t fully go away when I fast (indicating it is not food-sensitivity based). So, that was a good thing to notice and see and commit to releasing.
Well, the release certainly began last night. The mild “keeping myself humble” story turned in to the full self-hatred story. It was uncomfortable. And, let me tell you, the part of my psyche that feels that way started laying out a legally incontrovertible argument that proved its every assertion true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sucked for me!
My friend cracking open that window led to the fully-armed arsenal that lay beneath.
Nobody wants to get hit with the fully armed arsenal of self-hate. Nobody, that is, except someone who truly wants to excavate and release it. And I’d pretty much set that intention the day before, so when this hit me I had to act, and fast. So I went to bed. Not to sleep but to do a MAP session for support, and fully be present to all of the feelings, to do some feminine power practices around them, and simply to not avoid them or distract myself. It took me about 3 hours of crying and calming and listening to my inner workings and crying again and doing a process and listening and calming and trying to let it all flow out because I REALLY DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE and the only way out is through. Eventually, I fell asleep.
I feel OK today, and this morning I got some ideas about pleasing activities that addressed some of the enormous gaps I identified in the melee. I don’t feel a particular urgency to implement them, but a quiet gratefulness that I know the next small step in that direction. The energy that I felt last night has shifted (thank MAP and the processes), and if this comes up again, I’m feeling pretty good about that strategy to face it and not repress it. It was pretty deep-seated and I now want the deep seats to be populated by feelings and beliefs about the power of love and the constant contribution we are making to the energy of the earth, and our ability to uplift through our focus and intent. Stuff like that. Certainly not self-hate.
However, with the resources and tools I have, I can address it, be present to it (and get it the heck out of my mind – and my body). Thanks to the many souls that helped me get through it (my friend who brought it up, MAP, feminine power practices – claire and all those who helped her refine her marvelous processes, the books i’ve read and teachers i’ve encountered who gave me the insights and strength to see it for what it was, Thomas Hubl, for example, and his work on trauma and our relationship to it) – even though I was alone crying in that bed, I had so much support and I am so grateful.